Students at Buckley E. Filbertamous Middle School turned in Science Fair projects last week and were judged today by a panel of nuns. "This is the school's first year having the contest in about five years," said sister Mary Elephant.
The contest was discontinued six years ago after a student used the actual soiled diapers of his baby brother in an exhibit to see which brand of diapers on the market was the most absorbent.
A year before, a male student wanted to measure the trajectory angle of his sperm release over the time period of a day and found that the most powerful blasts happened in the evening after he had a day's worth of "simmering" and fantasy propelling them.
Science teacher, John Scopes Jr. said that they wanted to have the contest this year because the teachers felt that this is a better bunch of students than years past.
"We feel that this group is more mature," Scopes said. "We think they can handle it."
Among the middle school's top projects were:
Can nuts produce heat?
and How fast can you go down on my zip line?
Other projects included:
The "Steam" Powered Pocket Rocket
How many Big Macs does it take to make you obese?
Does bowling with An Erection affect the hook of a bowling ball?
Does having an erection effect volunteering to go to the blackboard for males?
Which gas is better--high octane regular or vegetable oil?
Which foods produce the most gas?
Which foods produce the worst smelling gas?
Which brand of gum is the most adhesive (to desks)?
Which brand of clothing is the "coolest?"
Which movies viewed on first dates were perceived as "cool" choices by the other date?
Which moves on the dance floor were viewed as the "coolest?"
Does technology assist, or get in the way more with academic success?
Which male teachers are viewed as the "hottest" those that wear ties, or those without?
Which female teachers were the "hottest" those that wore dresses, or those experiencing PMS?
Which principals were the "coolest" those that dressed down and wore short sleeved golf shirts with the school's logo embroidered on the pocket, or those that wore suits?
Which male staff persons were viewed by student's as being the toughest disciplinarians those with long hair in a pony tail, or bald black men?
Staff members, because of this year's success, say they are planning to hold the Science Fair again next year. They also commended the nuns on their objectivity and impartiality in the contest.
"Given the baggage that these women are carrying and the aged conflict between Science and Religion, it's amazing they could even see clearly to to judge the contest. They're a pretty hip group," said Scopes.
In other news today, Britney Spears and the Dali Lama butt heads in a sign of endearment and affection.