Written by Edward O'Neill
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Sunday, 25 February 2007

image for Big Brother Mutant Discovered
Genetics: Rogue DNA

Scientists working at the University of Stoke have, for the last 24 months, been carrying out tests on U.K. celebrities. The research, it was hoped, would identify genetic characteristics common to the cult of celebrity. Preliminary findings were revealed to The Spoof this morning.

The quest to identify the 'fame gene' led to tests being carried out on: Jim Davison, Terry Wogan and Jade Goodie, among others. Shocked research scientist Malcolm Riddle, today told The Spoof:

"Everything was going as planned until we encountered Jade Goodie. We had established definite correlations between fame and genetics before Jade gave us a set of erroneous results. Assuming it was a problem with our equipment, we retested and retested, each time achieving the same results. Quite a buzz ensued in the lab'...everyone immediately knew the significance of the findings."

Jade's D.N.A, according to Riddle, does not share enough of the usually expected characteristics to include her in the genus 'Homo Sapien'. Further tests showed how the rogue D.N.A. was manifest in the Big Brother stars body; a severe lack of sensory receptors and a low- functioning nervous system mean that Jade doesn't perceive the world like humans do, it is likely she sees a simplified version of the material world. "Much like the perception of a dog..." explained Riddle "...Jade's genus is somewhere between a Labrador and a human."

Vigilante pressure group Genetic Purity For England (G.P.F.E.) have reportedly put a price of £50 on Goodie's head fearing that she may procreate with a human male, again, expediting the route of the rogue D.N.A. through mankind.

G.P.F.E. spokeswoman Hilary Bliss told The Spoof:

"This is an outrage. I can categorically deny any involvement in an assassination plan but I will say this: We had suspected for some time that Goodie was a mutant but today's news is still quite a shock. The government needs to, at least, quarantine and control this vapid cipher."

The G.P.F.E. are, currently, lobbying Westminster to pass legislation known as: The Control of Mutant D.N.A. Act. Tara- Palmer- Tomkinson, today, told The Spoof:

"I'm worried".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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