Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Space, Mars

Thursday, 1 January 2004

Lassie, the famous Collie from the television show of the same name has found the Beagle space probe on the planet Mars. Colin Pillenger, the mission's chief scientist, had the idea of sending the canine TV star, famous for it's ability to rescue that idiot kid Timmy every week, to Mars.

The dog, outfitted in a specially modified space suit equipped with a radio transmission device was safely landed on the Martian surface early on New Years Eve morning. The mission was kept secret because, as Professor Pillenger stated, "Christ, if I lost Lassie after losing the Beagle, can you imagine the jokes? Scientists can be incredibly cruel when it comes to things like that."

Lassie, after disembarking (Get it? Disembarking. Pretty good huh?) from her spacecraft, wandered about the Martian surface, occasionally barking a halloo. After several hours and an inordinate amount of scent marking stops, mission specialists on Earth suddenly heard a plaintive cry from the Beagle.

Professor Pillenger played a recording of the exchange between Lassie and the Beagle at his press conference.

Lassie: "Ruff."

Beagle: "Lassie? Is that you?"

Lassie: "Ruff."

Beagle: "Lassie, tell Colin that I'm trapped in the crater. Tell him to send help."

Lassie: "Ruff."

Beagle: "That's it, go on girl!"

Lassie: "Ruff."

Beagle: "Lassie?"

Lassie: "Ruff."

Beagle: "What the fuck are waiting for, you stupid git? Go get me some help you mangy, crotch sniffing flea bag! Move it!"

At this point Professor Pillenger indicated that there was something wrong with the rest of transmission and shut off the tape. Pillenger also revealed at the press conference that plans were underway to send June Lockhart, who played Timmy's adoptive mother on the television series to Mars to retrieve both the Beagle and the Collie.

"With Ms. Lockhart's experience on the American show ‘Lost In Space', we feel she'll prove to be an excellent addition to the rescue effort," Pillenger was quoted as saying.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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