Cape Canaveral, Florida - (Rioters): The Illuminati have sponsored NASA's latest space probe Themis on its mission to penetrate the colourful light show known as the aurora or Northern Lights in high-latitude skies above Earth.
The New World Order had become so paranoid about the Second Coming dragging them all off to the electric chair for bankrolling into the White House a born-again-dry-drunk-hysteric-asshole-embezzler-bastard-son-of-Pope-Pius-II-masquerading-as-Barbara-Bush's-firstborn that desperate measures were needed to find the spy satelitte which the UK's Fraud Squad secretly launched in 1999 to track their every movement.
Billed as the SAT-NAV orbiter that monitors the London congestion charge zone the surveillance equipment outsmarted even the brightest geeks at the US Department of Homeland Insecurity by appearing to concentrate on a mythical gang of ruthless fox-hunting saboteurs prior to Ken Livingstone's much-loathed road levy launch.
When Bush's Whore Against Terra was caught conducting illicit wiretaps on harmless Amish farmers who had never so much as possessed their own telephones the Illuminati knew they'd been rumbled.
Now the Thetis five-pronged probe will scour the lightshow masking the orbiter's secret position on a search and destroy mission billed as the Star Whores.
New World Order high command HQ remains optimistic that the mission will be accomplished before desperation strikes aT the heart of their bank vaults and Mitt 'Walter Mitty' Romney claims the mantle of the Chosen One.
The luncar eclipse of 4th Mach could strike terror into their plans as the moon's nimbus comes out to act as a smokescreen for yet another twist in the satelittle's orbit.
Alternatively, Pancake Day could bring them an even greater disaster.