Written by baconpie
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Topics: Science

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

image for Scientist Discovers That Whenever Someone Says "Anyhoo" a Demon Gets Its Wings

Malibu, California - In a dramatic press conference held today at a Sleep Inn just off the Pacific Coast Highway, it was revealed by Trip Diamond, renowned metaphysical scientist to the stars, that whenever someone substitutes the word "anyhoo" for "anyhow" as a very weak attempt at a humorous transition they are actually granting a demon its wings and therefore furthering the career of one of the unholy archfiends from Hell by granting it the power of flight.

"For many decades," Trip began in his announcement which was mostly attended by tabloid reporters who were there primarily because of his penchant for dishing dirt on his celebrity clients, "the greatest minds in the metaphysical field and also Courtney Love have searched tirelessly for the antithesis of the commonly known fact that whenever a bell rings an angel gets its wings. As luck would have it, after I went on a three day binge of drawing pentagrams and eating nothing but homemade beef jerky that I got from Ben Stiller I managed to summon an actual demon. His name was Nail El, and after I spent three hours convincing him not to drive a six inch spike into my skull he revealed to me the ground breaking fact that whenever any human utters the word "anyhoo" instead of "anyhow" in a lame misguided attempt at a "humorous" transition some lucky random spawn of Satan gets his demonic wings."

"I also found out," Trip continued, "that since the advent of digital ring tone technology that replaced the old actual real bells in all of the world?s phones, Demon's are now getting their wings at a startling 333 to 1 ratio faster than angels are getting theirs and that this rate is likely to double within the next 2 years."

Despite this new revelation Insurance salesman Desmond "Double-D" Dench, who was also staying at the same Sleep Inn while attending a nearby Insurance Symposium, announced that he had no plans on changing his speech habits.

"I find that humor works very well in making my prospective sales targets feel more at ease while I relentlessly hound them to buy large packages of insurance that they don't really need. If I give up "anyhoo" next thing you know they'll be after me to give up 'If I was doing any better I'd be twins' or even 'Hey, are you working hard or hardly working?'"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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