Written by Moose&Squirell
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Tuesday, 6 March 2007

image for How To Boot An Ipod That Won't Fix
"How do I anger after thee? Let me count the ways"

SILLYCONE VALLEY, CALIFORNIA--(BSTECHNOOZ) There's a conspiracy theory that's being past around that Steve Jobs wants you to buy a new iPod every 6 months.

That's true, admits most owners of Ipods. There are aver 600 million of the muzak playez in exsistance today and once you realize & accept the fact that Mr. Jobs has hamstrung you a-la-Bill Gates style, it is now time to give your 22nd century jukebox the heave-ho. But, not so fast!

Destruction must be done with a bit of panache & flair, with as many witnesses as possible to advertise your rage & revenge. No matter which Ipod version you have they all tremble when you mention...FIRE! The display, battery, storage, RAM, and logic board seam to know the other elements as well and are just as scarey...Water, for instance. Your Ipod twitches with a realization that you may consider this option & trembles with a new fear.

A wry smile slowly begins to make the face glow with creative options never before considered, but, only now have solidified in your new appreciation of the power that a well aimed sledge hammer can bring. Thank you, Thor!

Tie it to a car bumper before a demolition derby tournament, a Tee-Ball stand. Say "Hello!" to Mr. Steam Roller. Experience a blender's "Frappee" mode. A toilet flush. The crunch of a rottweiler's grip. Place it on the chair after the FAT lady sings. Oh, the thrills!

Fear of heights? Let's find out. 110th floor please. Push the button using the corner of your Ipod makes it regret the times it never warned you of the possibility of a much needed re-charge before the morning light. The beginning of a brand new day without music for your master, as you sat there knowing you had the upper hand. Such arrogance.

Regrets? It's a bit too late to ask for forgiveness now, knowing you are being replaced with a competing brand, one which knows its place in the digital realm.

The elevator door opens with a , "DING!" It is now the final few moments. No turning back now. micro-transistors begin to quiver. Finger pointing begins to mount with a feverish pitch. Alas, the time has come to answer that lifelong, question. "Is there life after...Death? Or...Do Ipods really know how to fly?"

Alas, Poor Ipod...I knew you well. Too well. Fling!

The End.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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