Scientists at Camford University have discovered irrefutable evidence that 'to live', that is the state of 'being alive' could in fact be bad for you. Extensive research on a whole multitude of volunteers of all ages and from all backgrounds have revealed astonishing results.
Leading Microbiologist Professor Eastum Hadley said: "It appears a conclusive scientific fact that being born could actually be bad for you. In an unprecedented experiment, 100% of those who at one time were alive eventually became or will in the future become 'non-alive', that is, dead. Although we are working hard on a solution, as yet the condition is incurable."
It now appears that just eating healthy foods and living a healthy lifestyle has no bearing on the outcome.
This reporter must report that on hearing this news I decided to stop everything and start my old habit of drinking, smoking and pacing up and down my bedroom in a state of anxiety waiting for the inevitable to happen...