Written by Red Dwarf

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Topics: Scientists, Steps

Sunday, 14 December 2003

image for Scientists discover cure for Kelly Osbourne
Kelly - Before the op

Scientists in the U.S. have discovered a cure for the young pop rock banshee's eternal pathetic attempts to follow her father's foot steps.

The daughter of the Black Sabbath legend has made several painful attempts to create a remotely listenable single.

Scientists now believe they have a cure for Kelly. They will remove her voice box, subject it to a number of tests, before finally burning its tattered remains.

Kelly will then be fitted with a robotic voice box that will be able to create a wide range of singing styles from Barry White style lows, to Justin Hawkins energetic Highs.

Get well soon Ozzy.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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