Scientists in Czechoslovakia have found a way to solve the world energy problem - the "Heetch-Rense Intensifier". Working on the same principles as a household cigar, the Intensifier converts energy from everyday objects - such as a cenotaph - into useable power. It has been estimated that the energy obtained from a single corduroy suit could supply enough energy to run Neptune for a week.
The Intensifier was developed by Dr Jurgen Heetch - currently Professor of Woodwork at 'Carry On' College, Cambridge - in conjunction with slave-labour from behind the Iron Curtain. Prof Heetch says, "We do not know the precise mechanism, but we think that this process has something to do with atoms and stuff like that. When all the data has been collected, we will feed it into our Special Computer - the only one of its type - and see what comes out. We believe - and this is only a hypothesis - that this is the same type of energy as utilised by The Tin Man from The Wizard Of Oz, who - although made entirely of old tin cans - was able to function effectively as a human being".
The reaction from the scientific community has been almost unanimous. "He's an idiot", said Dr Ernst Volcano of California Institute of Technology. "This is the same man who thought that Moscow was in Switzerland, and bought his son a ziggurat for Christmas. When he was given his mortarboard after his graduation, he ate it".
This is not the first time such claims have been made for "unlimited energy" devices. In 1834, a little-known physicist from Krakatoa, Dr Rimbaud Sluice, maintained that he had developed a system that converted heat into what he termed "cold", and then back into heat again. Although he himself died in poverty, after tripping on a roller-skate and careering down some stairs into a cellar, his ideas were later picked up by fellow scientists - the result being the invention of the "fridge".
Applications for an unlimited-energy device are multifarious, including inexhaustible supplies of Helium for pneumatic pillows and methods for removing the aroma of turnip from squirrels. A Royal Commission has been instructed to look into the innovation, and is expected to report tomorrow.