SCIENCE DESK - Dr. Stanford Greying-Templeton. Experts have warned that as the earth chokes in deadly greenhouse gasses, and hurtles to a painful death at the mercy of the sun, the days will get longer, and the nights will get shorter.
These tiny, imperceptible changes can only be detected by scientists, and are certain to cause people to think an excruciating death awaits them. But not any more. A new wonder drug: Aproxidred is proving a huge hit in clinical trials making all patients sit up and take orders, while laughing at terrible jokes, thus countering the side effects of everything.
Poor and vulnerable people are often forced to stay indoors year round, because the ozone layer, a mere 12 micron thick shield that protects humans from instant vaporisation, is wafer thin, or depleted completely where you live. And who knows why people just disappear.
'It is true,' said Professor Porton-Down. 'There is nothing to look forward to. A temporary state of well-being is merely a psychological trick caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain to make people feel that every day is Christmas day, when clearly it isn't, except once a year when it's over commercialised.'
Scientists are now looking at artificial ways of stimulating humans so they can stay longer in front of the TV. A new wonder drug, manufactured by pharmaceutical giant, Cybor-Gorky: Aproxidred is proving a huge hit in clinical tests making all patients forget everything half way through news items, thus countering the side effect of globalisation. No wonder it's so popular. Insignificant side-effects have been encountered in live drug trials, and up to 100,000,000 people are already benefiting from this wonder drug.
It may be that bad things are a thing of the past. If you are suffering from anything, and find this item of interest, you are probably in the target group we're targeting. Ask your doctor for Aproxidred. He's been bullied into buying a lot of untested, toxic waste in exchange for brain scanners recently.