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Sunday, 17 April 2005

image for Flesh-Eating Bacteria Refuse To Eat Michael Jackson

Stunned scientists are reporting today that pop star Michael Jackson has been discovered to have a very rare immunity to flesh-eating bacteria.

"I've seen this stuff reduce a two-ton African elephant to a cage of bones in a matter of hours," quoted Dr. Domomorigoto Misteroboto, head researcher of the pop star division at the CDC in Atlanta. "But surprisingly it doesn't bother Mr. Jackson in the least."

Dr. Misteroboto went on to explain how when they kept pouring the flesh-eating bacteria on Michael's body that it would just slip off. "We can't get anything to stick to him."

"Neither can I," said Santa Barbara prosecutor Thomas Sneddon.

There are several competing theories as to why flesh-eating bacteria refuse to eat him. They range from genetic mutations (Mr. Jackson's) to practical jokesters in the lab to the possibility that Michael Jackson no longer has any biotic flesh upon his being.

In another ironic twist in this case, it has been found that Mr. Jackson can actually eat the flesh-eating bacteria. "It fizzles in my mouth like Pop Rocks," said Michael in a phone interview. "I like Pop Rocks."

When asked why he eats it he replied, "There's nothing more loving you can do than eat flesh-eating bacteria. That way it doesn't attack little boys."

When reminded that he has previously stated that sharing your bed with preteen males is the most loving thing you can do, Jackson somewhat recanted. "I did say that. You're right. Eating flesh-eating bacteria would then be the second most loving thing you can do, and sharing your bed with little boys the first. Yes, that's it."

It is not sure as to what is going to happen from here on out, but it has been rumored that Michael is in talks with the UN to hammer out a contract for an "Eat The Flesh-Eating Bacteria World Tour" in which he would span the globe devouring the menace.

Among other things, it is believed that Mr. Jackson has asked for, in return for his service to humanity, an undisclosed amount of money, ownership of Disney Land, marketing rights of flesh-eating bacteria and flesh-eating bacteria related products, a monkey, and to be President of the United States for as long as he likes it.

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