The Surgeon General released a long-awaited report today on the future of American health, revealing his results to 500 elementary school children.
"After extensive studies," says Richard Carmona, Surgeon General, "we have come to the conclusion that . . . WE'RE ALL GONNA' DIE!!! OH MY SWEET-ASSED GOD!! WE'RE ALL DOOOOOOOOOMED!"
Carmona stated that the Avian Flue, or Bird Flu, could single-handedly kill all life on earth, especially children, who can be snuffed out, snap! Just like that. "This disease has already claimed seven people," says Carmona. "Seven! That only leaves four billion, nine-hundred ninety-nine million, nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred and ninty-three people to go! DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?!? WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE KILLED WITHIN THE NEXT TEN THOUSAND YEARS!!!"
The Surgeon General listed other threats to human life. "Don't drink the water, little kids, because it'll kill you! How many times do you think we can remove crap and urine from drinking water before all that's left is the crap and urine? Not long. Ever notice how salty the water taste anymore? And you brats are going to die sooner because you insist on putting your mouth on the water fountain spouts! That kid ahead of you in line could be your doom! And did you know that eating paste cuts your life expectancy in half? Why do you think artistic people always die so young? And in our day and age artistic children are the first to get snuffed. YOU HEAR ME?!! FRICKEN SNUFFED!!!"
Carmona mentioned other things that will kill everyone, "especially innocent children like you." The list included: pollution, ultra violet rays, viruses, cancer, mutated cockroaches, anything with fat in it, anything with sugar in it, anything that taste good, anything that makes you feel good, tumors that develop from too much smiling, heart attacks and strokes from not smiling enough, diseases from being too fat, diseases from being too skinny, heart problems from dieting, heart attacks from exercising, heart disease and diabetes from not exercising, smoking, being around smokers, knowing of someone who smokes, not smoking, any breathing of oxygen, and little kids with runny noses, among others.
How can we protect ourselves? "You can't," says Carmona. "Even if you lock yourself in a plastic bubble and bury yourself a mile under the earth with oxygen, food and water, you'll still die because plastic causes cancer! Don't you see? There's nothing you can do! PREPARE TO DIE!!"
After that, Carmona excused the children for recess. "And stop your crying," he yelled. "polluted tears can cause brain damage! DID YOU HEAR ME?!! BRAAAAAIN DAAAAAMAAAAGE!"