On Friday December 5th Scientists claimed to have stumbled onto the largest and oldest penis on record. The penis was not damaged.
In the case of the one million-year-old crustacean discovery, they were able to clearly discern a penis. "Yep, that's a penis," said one scientist. Their excitement was noticeable in other comments as well...
"The copulatory organ is large and stout," they said. The covetous school of scholars even named their fossil species Colymbosathon ecplecticos, which means "swimmer with an astoundingly large penis."
Note: scholar means "person with an astoundingly large ego."
"Like their ancestors, modern ostracodes have penises that, relative to their body size, are larger than almost any other animal," they pointed out with one colleague's copious Power Point presentation on the subject.
"In the modern species at least, the penis is normally retracted in a coil that extends swiftly during copulation," said one scientist while opening a foggy window for a breath of cool refreshing air.
"The prominent copulatory appendage indicates that the specimen is a sexually mature adult male," stuttered Malena, a member of the mostly "Average Joe" male research team.
After looking at it a bit longer, other questions arose. The 425 million-year-old crustacean appears to not have evolved over the past almost half-a-billion years.
When asked to explain this, the scientists just shrugged their shoulders and said, "Stable environment." After pointing out that other species DID evolved in the same environment, they just shrugged their shoulders.
After a moment of awkward silence, one finally spoke up. "This is a demonstration of unbelievable (evolutionary) stability," he said.
Evolutionary stability means, in this context, that evolution (evolution being constant change) didn't happen. But if evolution (constant change) didn't happen, that should make it "unstable" seeing that constant change would, in fact, be a stable form of evolution.
After scratching their heads upon this bit of news they all went back to looking at the penis in an extended moment of awkward silence disrupted by an occasional nervous cough or sniffle.
They kept looking at it and ignoring reporters until everyone left the room - thus ends this article.
Authors note: Most "quotes" are from the actual article reporting this event (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/12/05/MNGT93GQS21.DTL)