Just in time for the holiday season, reporters at The Spoof are very happy to report that the American Dental Association (ADA) has come out with its recommendation on an emergency, stop-gap procedure that anyone (well, anyone over the age of 21) can do for a temporary crown or filling replacement.
"We've all been there before," said Dr. Lemme Pang. "You're at the bosses Christmas party and you bite down on a carrot. Then, all of a sudden you realize it's more than just a carrot in your mouth."
Well, reporters at The Spoof say that the ADA recommends that you suffer no more. Drink a bottle of Goldschlagger's 60-proof Cinnamon Schnapps. It's the clear liquor with the gold flakes floating around like the paper weight of the pastoral Christmas scene that used to be on your grandmother's desk, the one that you shake up and it snows.
When you get down to one of the gold flakes, put it over the area where the missing filling or crown used to be and bite down on it. This should hold until your dentist gets back from his vacation in the Caribbean with his trophy wife and their family.
The ADA recommends that you keep an extra bottle of Goldschagger's around the house during the holiday season so you'll have it if you cannot get to the liquor store, or if it's closed.
Spokespersons for the ADA also recommend the use of peanut butter if there is no Goldshlagger's around. Just put some peanut butter over the tooth where the filling used to be and stick something solid over it. If there is no peanut butter in the house, then use fishing tackle. Just be sure that all hooks are removed before use.
In other news today, fishermen looking for the sharks that ate Ted Kennedy used Bourbon to chum the waters.