Foster City, Calif. - Fresh from the recent Alliwantforxmasisapsp.com debacle and on the heels of their ill-conceived attempt to use YouTube, Sony marketing executives outlined new, even more foolhardy plans. Following what one participant described as "several days on intense soul searching and creative blossoming," executives held an unprecedented meeting with reporters to share details and answer questions.
Peter Dille, the senior vice president of marketing for SCEA, began by describing the company's regret for its ham-handed use of social media as a marketing tool. "What can I say?," he began, "we f-ed up; but that doesn't mean those little wig kids weren't really great, let me just be clear on that point right from the get go. The way that fellow danced around was something and I think you're going to see much more of that kind of thing coming from Sony - but not on that tube [YouTube] thing."
Sony's pending terrible marketing ideas, he explained, will fall into three categories, which they have named 'Home Invasion,' 'Nowhere to Hide,' and 'Just try to Stop.' David Karraker, SCEA's PR guru provided details on each.
"First, let me say, that we are so excited by the ideas and concepts that bubbled up in this room over the past few day," he began, "nowhere are you going to find a finer set of minds than right here at SCEA; and I think you'll agree after you hear what we have planned.
"We were all impressed with Opie and Anthony's [two radio shock jocks] recent program to bring underprivileged men into suburban retail outlets to give them a chance to enjoy the holidays. We started to 'riff' off of that and came up with our 'Home Invasion' program. Starting in January and continuing until they've visited everyone, teams of three to five homeless people will be storming every house, condo, apartment, dorm, etc. in America. They'll arrive unexpectedly, enter forcefully, begin jumping on beds and furniture - all the while shouting about just how great Sony is. Then, like the wind, they'll be gone," he explained with a smile. "We think that people will get a kick out of this and that it will help to create a more positive brand association for Sony by creating that kind of excitement in the home!
"While 'Home Invasion' will reach consumers where they live," Karraker continued, "'Nowhere to Hide' will reach them in their homes, in the communities, in their cars, at school, at work - in a word, everywhere! Thanks to Sony's economic resources, we've been able to reach some wonderfully creative agreements that will help spread the word of our greatness. One small example - a major religious denominations here in the US has agreed, for a substantial fee, to allow us to replace the words 'God,' 'Jesus,' 'the Lord,' 'Christ,' - and the pronoun 'He' if used in place of one of the aforementioned words - with 'Sony,' 'PS3,' 'PSP,' or the names of officially licensed characters in all of their printed and spoken communication.
"Just imagine how powerful this program will be," he intoned, "what authority it will carry. Let me just read you an amended version of Luke 1:28-31: 'The angel went to her and said, "Greetings, you are highly favored! Sony is with you." Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with Sony. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name PlayStation 3.'."
While the Sony executives beamed at Karraker's words, the media in attendance appeared aghast.
"That's only one small example," he continued excitedly, "you're going to be seeing and hearing the name Sony and the names of Sony products everywhere; and we think that this will really encourage people to purchase and use all of the wonderful things we make. Remember, that's what the Bible wants you to do," he laughed.
'Just try to Stop,' he explained, is a viral campaign that will be of massive proportions. "We tried YouTube and the Web, but they both had drawbacks. The biggest one is that they aren't really that interactive. What we've come up with here is something a little more interesting." He went on to detail what can only be described as the first case of commercial chemical warfare.
"Our scientist have developed a tasteless, odorless and colorless gas," he said, "that will cause an incredible itching sensation in its vict - I mean potential customers. The only way to control the itch is to hold one of our products that has been treated with a special chemical. None of our current products have been treated so we have a great opportunity up-sell existing customers - as well as reaching new one."
His presentation and comments finished, Karraker received a standing ovation from his fellow executives. The promised question and answer session left much to be desired as the only response to any question was, "The Sony Playstation 3 is simply the most powerful device on the face of the planet and you're going to love it."
Uniformed armed guards rushed into the room and forced the media and non-Sony employees into a freight elevator at gunpoint. By the time the elevator had reached the lobby, everyone had begun to experience as uncomfortable itching sensation.