Written by Danyal
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Friday, 22 September 2017

image for Scientists Predict 15.5 Days Without Sunlight in December
Night

Ed, a physicist at Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory, claims he has found indisputable evidence for climate change. "The math is so clear that it can't be questioned. In November, we will have 15.5 total days of darkness. We must make every effort to confirm its occurrence." Quoted Ed. Many opponents claim that climate change is a hoax but Ed says you can conduct his simple experiment in December disproving any arguments.

He provided us with steps for our readers to follow:
Step 1: Get a timer
Step 2: Time and record every day when there is no sunlight
Step 3: Sum all the times
Step 4: Send the results to Ed to test for statistical accuracy

Ed believes that if enough people participate in his experiment and send him their data, he can publish the information and give the public conclusive proof for climate change.

As always, there is great controversy surrounding the discovery. Derik, an Applied Physics Engineer, claims the experiment is flawed. He believes only an atomic clock can make the experiment credible. Since this is extremely expensive to use, Ed likely won't have access to such equipment, nor will his supporters who will conduct the experiment with him.

If Ed's hypothesis happens to be true, I approached Dylan, a psychologist and a biologist at University of Louisville about the implications of this on the mental health of people. "Humans are programmed to get sleepy when it's dark outside, shown by the physiological indication of a yawn. If Ed is correct, a lot of people will sleep during that time. Since it will last the full month of November, the circadian rhythm will be affected. I hope after the month passes, people will adopt a normal lifestyle but still not forget that such crazy events can occur again." Said Dylan. He believes the event will be most harmful to college students who have adopted a lifestyle of just 6 hours of sleep per day with a diet exclusively of pizza and coffee.

We warn all of our readers to take necessary precautions such as maintaining a supply of chips and soda as well as a collection of Paul Rudd movies to watch on long nights.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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