Written by Gringo Lobos
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Saturday, 2 September 2017

image for Shock to Quantum Mechanics Community - After much searching Schrödingers Cat can't be found inside or outside any box at all
Cat on the loose - unknown whereabouts has Quantum Mechanics Community in a fluster

Scientists deep in the Amazon have discovered Schrödingers Cat was not actually dual locality capable through quantum coalescence for instantaneous bi-location, but was in fact, just very confused and this was a natural outcome of everyone putting them in boxes and forgetting where they are.

After much experimentation by both putting the cat in the CERN particle accelerator and using Jungian de-briefing psychology scientists have determined that the cat had quite an array of DSM category psychosis. A quick technical explanation is:

The cat ranged from ecstatic to tears of sorrow, suggesting marked mood swings. It endorsed an abundance of sublime auditory and visual perceptual experiences that resemble grandiose hallucinations with delusional thought content. It manifested increased religiosity and fears of evil spirits, which resembles paranoia. These features occured together, in association with primary and mood disorder-associated psychotic conditions. The cat appeared at times disorientated with non-compliant array of facial expressions and lacking spacio/temporal plausible deniability. It seemed particularly hysterical about being put in boxes as it seems it couldn't tell whether it was in it or not. Scientists have called this the Schizophrenic Box Confusion Trauma Syndrome. Animal activist groups are outraged and are demanding all future boxes be fitted with cat indeterminacy alerts.

The cat also refused an array of psychiatric zombie pills to get it back to being 'normal' saying it liked to chill out here and there and sometimes not where you might think i am not. The Cheshire cat weighed in saying that if he came down the rabbit hole all this craziness would automatically normalize and box location indeterminacy could be lessened.

So why was the cat probably not really maybe somewhere else? When reporters asked the cat about his bi-locality he said "well you know man its like this, sometimes i am there and sometimes you know i am not, its really kinda freaky you know dude, especially when i end up somewhere i didn't really want to not be".

Scientists do admit he is hard to know where he is going to be and are designing a double cat experiment where they put cats on dual photon light beams and observe the patterns of wave forms coalescence. "Because he fluctuates about so much a probabilistic framework is the only workable solution to finding the little bugger when it comes to feed time", they say.

Pavlovs dog was asked had he had any similar experiences and he replied, "he once thought he was a sheep in the meadows but it only turned out being compensatory psychic relocation due to extreme pain from that mungrel Pavlovs experiments".

In the meantime the hunt is still on for the cats current location, except that "not both speed and trajectory can be plotted simultaneously which makes it impossible to catch it for a bath", laboratory careers exclaimed.

Laboratory Managers have asked anyone finding Schrödingers cat could return it to them, but was unable to give an exact location where it should be sent, saying "they would have to try to determine that when the cat was found".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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