Written by XRhonda Speaks
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Tuesday, 9 May 2017

image for New Drug Treats Air Rage
A new ad for the anti-anxiety medication Probenávia.

The new anti-anxiety drug Probenávia has landed in pharmacies just in time for air travelers: airlines and their passengers are all on edge these days as air rage incidents have increased five fold this year.

In the search for an answer to the violence and acrimony plaguing air travel, blame has been placed on both the airlines and the passengers. But sociologist Dr. Pam Wenoa says modern living is mostly to blame for the need for new air rage drugs.

"We have people not only surviving but thriving in our modern world of increasingly cacophonic chaos, but even the most highly functioning individuals begin to break down when you add the stress of air travel to the mix. We really need to retool our transportation infrastructure so that we don't become a species even more dependent on drugs and reality TV just for day-to-day living and commuting."

For now, chemical giant Bayler-Monsaton has released their air rage medication Probenávia after getting final FDA approval. Ironically, Bayler-Monsaton is on the boards of both the newly privatized EPA and the FDA, so the new drug was basically self approved by BM and a dozen other large corporations.

Micah MacLean, lead researcher at BM, talked about the new class of drugs they've developed.

"These neo-terpinoids are an exciting discovery: we already have drugs that target the same receptors, but these neo-terps are like super molecules and they have a much stronger bond to the CB receptors, and in particular, the receptors that are linked to calming effects when they are triggered."

One downside to the new super-terpinoids that Dr. MacLean failed to mention are the super-munchies that are the side effects of Probenávia.

Madlin Fry flies often for her work as a consultant to the adult entertainment industry and she has a prescription for the new treatment. Fry told this reporter she's learned to bring some food with her if she takes her flight medication.

"It [Probenávia] works great, I mean nothing bothered me even when the guy seated next to me threw up on my new shoes, but before the flight, I was eating everything I could find, that stuff really gives you the bionic munchies. I think it was the airport nachos and sushi that really made me sick the next day, so now I bring some yogurt and fruit with me so I don't get sick again."

Like many anti-anxiety medications before it, Probenávia has become a popular black market drug and has spawned the practice of "reefing". Reefing is when someone buys up a bunch of refundable tickets for flights just to get prescriptions, then returns the tickets. Twelve states now require proof of purchase of a non-refundable airline ticket to get a prescription for the new drug.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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