Written by thomas o'hanlon
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Thursday, 24 November 2016

image for Einstein Time Travels to Present Day
"i CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS"

"We were waiting for Professor Emory to come in and lecture on worm holes and spider webs" said Alice Benoit a post grad student at Princeton's applied Astrophysics and Stuff "when appearing out of nowhere an older gentleman with crazy white hair stood at the podium and announced. 'Well hello there everyone, my name is Albert Einstein and I have traveled through time to assist you in clearly understanding my principle of relativity and thus make it quite easy for you to time travel. Do you understand?'

Well you can imagine how thrilled we were to see our hero in flesh and blood standing before us. 'Of course Professor' we shouted 'please continue'.

'Now, I wrote a very complex equation a hundred years ago' he said 'that I believe is, despite it cumbersomeness, quite popular today no?'

'yes of course' we said excited to hear from our distinguished guest from the past.

'I am happy to hear that' the Professor said 'well this morning when I awoke I realized that if I added one more parenthetical group of mathematical curly things and do-dads at the very end it would make time travel a do-able exercise so I decided to head to the future and add that equation today, ya know to be dramatic about it. I always had panache so why not travel through time to today to graphically prove the validity of time travel.'"

Miss Benoit went on to explain "Holding a piece of chalk in one hand and a chalk board eraser in the other he turned to the screen behind him and suddenly turned back again 'This is Princeton university is it not?' he asked.

We all assured him it was.

'And we are in Chandler hall, are we not?' he asked looking back over his shoulder at the screen.

'Yes sir, Chandler hall it is' we said.

'And this is Buxton auditorium?' he asked.

'Yes, Dr. Einstein, Buxton hall, is there a problem?' we asked.

'Where is the blackboard with my equation?' he hollered, suddenly very angry. 'How can I insert this quotient into my equation when obviously some dumpkoff has removed it?'

I told the professor not to worry, that his equation is here in my I phone and there on the podium in a text book.

'I don't work like that! Where is my blackboard?' he shouted. 'Never mind I'm going back to the past where people care about things like blackboards and amazing theories that don't just grow on trees!'

'But Professor' I asked before he vanished 'when you go back to the past will you write it on your blackboard?'

'Maybe, maybe not, let me see if I did' so he opened the text book on the podium and found his equation. 'Well, well, well, looks like I decided not to, what a dick I am! Toot aloo now' then he quickly vanished.

'What a petulant asshole!' I shouted, and then was immediately struck in the face by an eraser that appeared out of nowhere.

'Ha ha' said the re-appearing Einstein 'went 3 seconds to the future not the past just to mess with your heads, petulant asshole huh?' he said with a wry smile 'of course I included the new set of quotient, you knuckleheads. Toot aloo for real'. Then he vanished again as I searched the equation for the new quotient, anxious to return his eraser...if you know what I mean"

As of this writing, this reporter can find no instance of Professor Einstein being struck with an eraser from a visitor from the future but that may change at any moment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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