Written by Samuel Vargo
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Thursday, 16 June 2016

image for Jacko and Feducious T. are on a trek to grab ahold of the 'world's perfect beer glass'
Jacko and Feducious T. are on a journey to find the "perfect" beer glass.

My friend and neighbor Jacko and my old English Comp teacher Feducious T. Flynt stopped by the other day and informed me they were on a sojourn for what they considered to be the quest for the holy grail.

"We're taking a road trip, then we'll be traveling via seafaring vessel, to buy some Cobra Smooth Pour Glasses, also known as the world's perfect beer glasses," Feducious T. told me, licking his lips.

"This great new breakthrough was developed with hydrodynamics and fluid mechanics specialists from Birmingham University and Imperial College, across the big pond, in Jolly Ole' England, and was co-designed by Karmarama, a London-based agency. Officials from Karmarama claim this beer-glass prototype is 'the biggest breakthrough in pouring since humankind discovered gravity,'" Feducious T. mentioned.

"The scientific wizards who developed this wonderful new beer glass happen to be colleagues of mine," Professor Feducious T. Flynt added proudly.

"Colleagues of yours? They live in England and you've always been a part-time English professor - here, of all places - in the USA. You've drank your way out of six colleges and ten universities in your forty year teaching career. If you want to actually call such a fiasco a 'teaching career'. The last university you worked for even put a restraining order on you and informed you if you were ever spotted on campus again, they'd call the cops and have you arrested."

"Oh well, things happen," he said.

"Things happen?! You didn't draw a sober breath for the semester you worked at that place. And they gave you plenty of warnings. They even offered to send you to rehab."

My old English Comp Professor just looked at the ground. He appeared to be embarrassed and ashamed.

"Have you even been to England, Mr. Flynt?" I asked.

"Yes and no. I've read a lot of Dickens and Shakespeare. And I'm a big fan of John Keats and I also love William Makepeace Thackeray, even through I can't understand a sentence he wrote. But I've never walked across the Cliffs of Dover, or fed those nasty scruffy pigeons wobbling around Trafalgar Square, thrown rocks in the Thames, insulted one of those guys in those tall fuzzy hats involved with 'the change of the guard' nor have I ever met the Queen. So no, I've never visited there in the physical sense."

"Just as I thought. A man of letters who's visited England through the letters in dusty old works of literature," I said with a smirk.

"Well, they're certainly colleagues of mine now, and when Jacko and I find these science professors, we're going to do a lot of drinking with them with those wonderful "perfect" beer glasses they've come up with," he said.

Now Jacko was licking his lips with anticipation and lust.

"You ought to join us," Jacko said.

"I'm not going over to England to buy beer glasses that are most likely still in the experimental stages and aren't for sale anyhow. Do you really think those glass hoses that wind around in those "perfect beer glasses" actually are the best thing since mankind found gravity? It's a lot of hype. You two knuckleheads are going to wind up drinking warm ale or lager, maybe even some concoction made from cider, out of pewter beer steins in some of the worst ghettos in London."

"Just for saying that, we're not bringing you back your very own Cobra Smooth Pour Glass as a souvenir. We were planning to get you one," Jacko said.

"No, dummy, and you're not even getting a book of matches, either. You've been totally wiped clean of any gifts. We're sensitive and we don't like to be insulted like you've just done to us. You, sir, are a complete jerk - a mean, mean, insulting machine," Feducious T. said.

I looked at the video attached to the MAXIM online article. "Whatever," I replied, and I laughed. I thought the beer winding around those glass hoses inside the Cobra Smooth Pour Glass looked somewhat corny. Ridiculous even.

"Well, all I can say is buy a lot of newspapers and tabloids over there and when you pack your suitcases to come back to the states, fill those glasses up with the paper, but be careful not to break those glass hoses winding around inside those Cobra Smooth Pour Glasses. They look delicate, those hoses, that is....And pack a lot of balls of paper in the suitcases. Wedge them around those glasses and if you pick up your suitcases and hear even a tinkle, it's breakage time, you fools." - With these words of wisdom, I smiled at my two acquaintances with that old 'I told you so' smile that I reserve for such occasions.

"Even a zoo gorilla knows that," Jacks huffed.

"Listen: Just make sure there isn't any wiggle room or you'll be coming back here with a wreckage of sharp shards of glass. And if you happen to actually purchase these Cobra Smooth Pour Glasses, good luck with it all - you'll need all the luck you can get," I said.

"See you later, alligator," Jacko said.

"God speed, gentlemen, God speed," I said. "Don't forget your passports. You do have passports, don't you?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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