Written by James Wallin
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Wednesday, 6 December 2006

image for New survey reveals that living is bad for you
Smoking related diseases don't even cover half of your worries

A new survey, published by the R.B.O (Research into the Bleeding Obvious) organisation has found that being alive can lead to almost every disease known to man. The doctors and substitute chemistry teachers who produced the report have advised that the only way to be absolutely certain of not catching anything else is to die immediately.

Dr Ivan Eadache, head of the research team and top scorer in the darts league said "We researched every disease we could find in my Home Medical Dictionary (Illustrated version) to see if we could find a common factor that links them all, and we found that every single one of them was only found in people who were alive."

The findings have stunned top officials in the medical world. "I'm stunned", said one. The report compares 2893 diseases which the team identified in living beings compared with the fairly piffling score of one ailment in people who had died. "Rigor mortis," explained Dr Eadache "that's all you've got to worry about when you're dead. An absolute doddle! Whereas for living people it's just a catalogue of miseries."

The conclusions of the research advise that everyone become dead as soon as possible to avoid contracting new illnesses. Asked what effect this would have on the world's economy, Dr Eadache was unable to answer, having just topped himself. He is now hoping to gain even greater notoriety by breaking the world record for holding his breath.

If you want more information go to www.goondoyourselfin.org or ask your local taxi driver.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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