Written by XRhonda Speaks
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Thursday, 31 March 2016

image for New Keypad Let's You Butt Dial On Purpose
Now you can easily butt dial any number with the Boogie Pad Butt Dialer.

Chemist, and now inventor, Trevor Maxon is enabling people to accurately do on purpose what they always do by accident: butt dial.

For our interview and demonstration this day, Maxon is wearing his Bluetooth enabled Boogie Pad Butt Dialer jeans. We're in his newly rebuilt lab and he demonstrates the butt dialer while supervising a dangerous chemical process, all to show the dialer's ease of use. "OK, look I squeeze the left buttock twice and that activates butt dialing and speakerphone. I can program any sequence of buttock squeezes to a number or function on my I-Phone. OK, now two squeezes right and it hangs up."

Maxon looks like he's dancing while using the Boogie Pad and that's what inspired the name. "Now I'll call home, left-left to activate, OK, left-left-right dials home, but I'm going to hang up again, right-right.

The inventor tells The Spoof how he was inspired to develop his new Boogie Pad Butt Dialer, "I had both hands full with some ester-fication reactions and I backed into a table and accidentally butt dialed. I couldn't use my hands and I backed into the table again several times to try and hang up."

Maxon actually turned off his phone that day by backing into a table, but not before butt dialing 911. Using GPS location Chicago police sent two squad cars to investigate, and when police entered his research facility they initially thought they had stumbled into a meth lab. The police opened fire immediately with the resulting gunfire severely injuring Maxon and destroying his lab.

It was during his long recovery from thirteen bullet wounds and third degree burns that Trevor Maxon wondered how he could have avoided the incident. "I'm a tinkerer not a political activist or political type person, so I was never going to join any police reform movement." Maxon tells The Spoof, "So part of my physical therapy while I was still immobilized with injuries was to squeeze my leg and gluteus muscles and that's when the idea of a butt keypad hit me."

Maxon, beaming and eager to tell more, says, "Now for the fun aspect of the Boogie Pad: both sensors detect sound and vibration so you can program the Boogie Pad to dial and do things with farts! I'm holding a fart back now so I can show you how it works--two blasts and it's ready to dial with the speaker phone mode enabled," and indeed the inventor let two short farts rip. "The third phones home, ahh, there," and in a moment we could hear his I-phone ringing his home phone. "My wife hates it when I call her with the fart dial," he says with a mischievous smile.

A voice answers:"Hello?"

Maxon talks sweetly, "Hi honey, I'm coming home after this interview thing, can I bring you some dinner from Taco Bell?"

His wife (presumably) responds, "Dammit Trev, you're not calling me with that stupid butt--do have me on speaker phone? You dork! Get me my usual, bye."

After he hangs up, Maxon returns to our conversation, "Obviously you can't always fart when you want to, so a common task or important number should also have a regular butt dial sequence. Now as I said you can assign other functions to the Boogie Pad. So, going back to the fart example: in a Bluetooth enabled car you can have the car roll down the window for twenty seconds when you fart." Like a proud parent he goes on, "The possibilities are endless: Using the Taco Bell app, I can assign any fart or butt dial sequence to send in one of my saved orders so it's ready when I get to the drive-through."

In the ultimate irony, the Chicago Police Department that inspired the invention is already using the Boogie Pad Butt Dialer. Trevor Maxon's wife, Sally, is a precinct supervisor for the CPD and was instrumental in pushing the force to adopt the devices.

Trevor Maxon wraps up the interview with the enthusiasm of a twelve year old who's just discovered that farts are flammable, "It's already a hit! The Chicago Police ordered the first fifteen hundred and we're gearing up to sell millions of Boogie Pads the first year."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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