Written by Paul Blake
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Friday, 24 July 2015

image for New Orleans Fortune Teller Arrested For Hexting
Don't answer it. It might be Big Mama Juju!

New Orleans, L.A. - Proving you can do just about anything on your cellphone these days, Big Mama Juju, as she is known in her native New Orleans, is the very first person to get arrested in the U.S. for HEXTING. You see, Big Mama Juju has enjoyed a thriving business over the last fifty years, reading fortunes and dispensing curses on her client's foes, until recently, specializing in voodoo dolls. But, being a shrewd entrepreneur, she has kept up with the times, using technology now, when a quickie curse is in order. For the very reasonable cost of only twelve bucks (cash only) she'll take care of just about any situation that is chaffing you.

"I got this weird text, that only had an emoticon of a little car and a tree," tells Darren Skuzzard of Slidell, Louisiana, who admits that he hasn't paid child support to his ex-wife in nearly three years. "Then, the very next day, I crashed my brand new truck into a goddamn oak tree out on route 45. You tell me that's just a coincidence? It was a damn hext, put on me by my bitch ex-wife. I got hexted by Big Mama Juju for sure!"

And this isn't the first case being brought against Big Mama. Just a few weeks ago, another man, who hadn't paid up on a football bet gone bad, claims to have received a picture of a lighting bolt and a map of Texas from Big Mama. Sure enough, he was zapped clear out of his penny loafers during a thunderstorm, while on a business trip to Houston.

Others are scared shitless by the texts depicting rattlesnakes and alligators; images that they have also all received from the voodoo queen.

Down at the Ascension Parish police station, where big Mama is being held, Sherriff Billy-Jo Buggybeau isn't about to be foolish enough to give Big Mama Juju her mandatory phone call from her jail cell, either. "Hell no!" said Sherriff Buggybeau, scratching a nasty looking sore on the side of his neck, "I don't care if I'm voilatin' her Miranda rights - I don't want that crazy bitch phoning the station. We'll all be dead before sundown!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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