Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 21 April 2015

image for Apple grabs the wrist for its next fashion destination
Apple Wrist Wearables address lifestyle and death style needs.

Cupertino, California -- Following up on the overwhelming success of its family of smart wristwatches, Apple has staked out the area where your hand joins your arm as the market space for a new line of standalone fashions. Meet Apple Wrist Wearables.

"The invention of the wristwatch was so brilliant that it blinded developers from seeing the potential of other wrist-based applications," said Suzanne Rancheria, Apple's new Chief Hurry-Up Officer.

"We've just scratched the surface, and we came up with six unique products that are smart, friendly, and wear like a wristwatch."

iWank automates the ultimate act of self-satisfaction. Nano vibration engines send pulses from the wrist to the fingers to trigger a pleasure response. Packaged with a practice kielbasa, along with a warning that use of iWank could be habit forming.

iWhiz is designed to help drug users pass drug screening tests. Every iWhiz is factory loaded with 2 ounces of chemical free human urine. A pressurized delivery system makes it easy to "hit the cup" every time. A-Rod signature models available.

iSubmit It looks like you're wearing two Apple Watches, one on each wrist. That is until your dominatrix enters a secret activation code that transforms iSubmit into a durable set of handcuffs. Now bend over boy. This is going to hurt you more than it does Apple.

iWin The sport of wrist wrestling is about to experience a Renaissance. iWin utilizes a series of miniature hydraulic generators to turn even the weakest girly grip into a powerful bone crusher. That means everybody can play to win. Just be sure you don't mistake your iWin for an iWank.

iDie Slitting your wrists used to be among the sloppiest forms of suicide. No more. At the touch of microswitch, iDie activates two razor-sharp micro-blades that make quick work of the blood vessels passing through your wrists. A built-in pump handles the spillage, while iDie's memo recorder gives you five minutes of high fidelity audio that you can use to deliver your posthumous thoughts to the bastards who drove you to this. Or you can use it to play an appropriate tune. May we suggest Green Day's "Time of Your Life"?

iV brings the benefits of a hospital style intravenous hook up to your wrist. That means you can be on the go and still be on the recreational drug of your choice. The recreational drug of your choice not included. (Not to be used as a substitute for iDie. Violators will be prosecuted. Of course you'll probably be expired before our lawyers can get to you. Let's just forget the whole thing.)

Given the wide range of lifestyle (and death style) applications Apple Wrist Wearables provides, the company expects an extraordinary demand for the devices. "You have two wrists, so there is always room for another Apple Wrist Wearable," said Rancheria. "By the way, does anybody really know what time it is?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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