Written by McFarlan Ford
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Wednesday, 29 November 2006

image for Monkey Training Program Adapted for Footballers.

Following the success of a training program designed to teach orangutans how to survive when taken from captivity and placed back in the wild, the Thailand-based trainers have modified the sessions to work in reverse; for footballers.

The orangutans intense program teaches them to recognize different branches and fruit, how to eat termites and how to climb trees, plus basic grooming. Many of the creatures had been mistreated and were forced to perform in circuses and on the streets before they were rescued by the Thai zoo, now they are rehabilitated enough to return to the wild.

Chief trainer Malcolm Coshh said "the orangutans were almost totally domesticated at the start of the course, but we taught them how to be wild once more." He continued, 'It was simple to reverse the lesson order to make it applicable to footballers; in fact, many of the lessons didn't need to be changed at all."

"When a footballer comes to us for the first time, he is a Wildman. He has unkempt hair, poor eating habits and nearly no grasp of how to act in public. With our program, we attempt to change all this and make him a member of society again."

Footballers, let us not forget, are also often forced to perform in public situations, where thousands of people gain pleasure from him 'entertaining' them. Their wild characteristics often show themselves through both argumentative and overtly sexual behavior, often towards fellow footballers.

At the training centre, he is taught that having normal hair is quite acceptable, that fighting members of the press or public is 'frowned upon' in polite company and most importantly of all, just because they earn a fat pile of cash, doesn't give them an excuse to behave like idiots.

Apparently, the training is 'hard going', but Coshh is confident of success. He said "honestly, if the orangutans get it, then why can't they?" He has also stated that he may further enhance the course for other individuals too, "several people in the music business have approached me requesting a place on the course" he said.

Although no names are being released of current trainees, it is thought that a young Manchester United player is returning for his third attempt at passing the course next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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