Written by Mark Lowton
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Friday, 28 November 2003

image for Scientists Invent REAL Self Basting Turkey in time for Christmas
No more turkey dance for Granny at Christmas

Geneticists at Lancaster University have announced that they have invented the world's first self-basting turkey - that actually pours its own juices back over itself while it is being cooked.

The Ph.D. research project, dream-child of Professor David Allsop, is set to revolutionise the way many of us spend our Christmases worrying about the Turkey in the oven.

The research team has genetically modified a standard turkey to have a leg, that functions totally independently of the turkey's brain. This so called 'smart-limb' can also survive to temperatures in excess of 300ÂșC.

"The applications for this technology are just mind-blowing," commented Allsop. "This is the first real step we've taken to create life that functions completely on its own. While the limb is still attached to the turkey, it thinks and moves for itself. They live their lives like conjoined twins. We have hard wired this leg to have a reflex action to want to pour hot fat over its host wherever it may find it. Thus, when the turkey has been slaughtered, plucked, and is being cooked, this superfluous leg, which will survive even after the turkey is dead, will constantly keep the bird moist and give a much tastier, tender and juicer meat."

Sainsbury's, who co-funded the project, have the exclusive rights to sell these turkeys this Christmas. However, Sainsbury's are having teething problems keeping the turkeys in the freezers in store. The turkeys' extra limbs are dragging the frozen turkeys out of the freezer wells, and effectively stealing the turkeys from the store. To tackle this, Sainsbury's have employed more security staff that will carry any would be escapee turkeys back to their freezer.

A new advert to be released imminently showcases these new turkeys. Pukka chef, Jamie Oliver, tells you just how easy they are to cook, even shakes the turkey's smart-limb, and says good-bye, before placing it in the oven.

Environmentalists and various other hippies are said to be mortally distraught by everything.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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