Written by Don Grapper
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Thursday, 19 February 2015

image for Having A Truly Gigantic Cock Correlates Strongly With Low Life Time Earnings, Study Finds
Smith College Students Organize Campus Protest of Wealth Disparities Stemming From Penis Size

It turns out that having a massive penis is not the umitigated blessing most men aged 8 through 80 think it to be. Though it may boost mightily one's self-esteem, a recent research study says it can be quite hard on the pocketbook.

In a paper titled "Huge Dick = Low Dough" Amateur Urologists Becky Fido and Chrissie Freed say that while a "big dick" appears to better one's life chances, an "unwieldingly large" one is as perilous to a man's long term financial prospects as it is to his knees.

Fido and Freed are both sophomores at Smiths Girls' College in North Hampton, Massachusetts.

"The truth is, men with truly enormous cocks often struggle daily just to make ends meet," said Fido, the lead researcher on the project.

Fido said these men require "ten times the calorie intake of a person with a normal cock" and one hundred times the calories consumed by men "who, through no fault of their own, just happen to be Chinese."

In phone surveys with anonymous men who called Fido and Freed at their Smith College Dorm Room, those who claimed to have cocks 15 inches or bigger, routinely broke down crying over their sad, socio-economic plight. Most said "their life was a mess", and, 78% of those who threatened to come over and "show it" to them asked also if the girls would mind springing for the cab.

Freed told reporters a particularly sad and harrowing story of the obstacles confronted by the absurdly well-hung.

"I cried myself to sleep for six nights straight, thinking of one young man who pranked us. He had a deep, baritone voice and said he was 22 inches; after we finally got through all of his bragging, we had a very nice talk, and in it, he said he was so poor he had to commute ten miles to his fry cook job each day on an old, banana seat, Sting Ray bicycle, and every day after work, gangs of horribly educated, disgruntled black youth beat him senseless and stole all his money."

"He claimed his penis daily proved 'useless,' even for purposes of self defense," she said, pulling out her third Kleenex Hanky of the press conference.

Freed went on to say the man with the 22 inch dick could be forgiven his racism for failing to say that those who beat him up daily and stole his paltry earnings "just happened to be black."

"Judging from his labored breathing, I would say he was at least half-erect when he made the racist claim," Freed said.

"Yeah," Fido chimed in. "At that point, he probably had no blood in his brain at all."

The researchers went on to claim that one erection in a 22 inch penis deprives the brain of much needed blood and most likely kills billions upon billions of brain cells.

"For such men, masturbation requires more strength than Sumo Wrestling and more stamina than coming in first in a big city marathon," Fido said.

Fido went on to say that by the time most men with 15 inch or longer dicks have fraudulently graduated middle school, "they're basically spent."

"The toll each boner takes on the brains of these circus freaks can go as high as a five point drop in their SAT scores," said Fido, who went on to say the grotesquely hung can rarely read.

"We're talking "Yield" signs," she said.

Fido went on to say that were it not for America's "feel good," lax public education standards, and insipid "project based learning" and "true/false" math tests, most men with dicks over 16 inches "would never graduate."

"Some schools are so bad," she alleged, "that many men with two by fours for dicks graduate Magna Cum Laude."

She cited Bowdoin College in Maine and Cal State Fullerton, as but two of the nation's more routine, egregious offenders.

Another man, who reported in a 2 am prank call having a 42 inch long cock with the girth of "a loaf of bread turned sideways" said he is so ashamed of his "genital monstrosity" that he won't even let his "cat lick corned beef off it anymore."

On a speaker phone conference call overheard by most of the girls in Freed and Fido's dorm hall, he told the budding Urology researchers that "wrapping their lips around his thick as it is long pleasure boat of a wang" was, in light of him having been fired that day from his table cleaning and condiment restocking job at McDonald's "solely for the 'crime' of having a genuinely humongous dong, "the "least they could do."

"For me and my Blue Whale Shaped manhood, there's no such thing as a Happy Meal," he lamented tearfully to the twenty or so girls huddled listening to his voice on speaker on Fido's new iPhone.

Fido claimed also to have heard in the background of the call "a strange, steady flapping sound - like a piece of baloney stuck in a ceiling fan set on medium-slow."

"I was worried that slice of baloney was all he had to eat," she said.

Freed said the man has not called back, and she and Fido fear he may have "starved to death."

Fido and Freed took their findings to the only math major down their dorm hall who actually understood math and wasn't majoring in it because she was being pressured by angry lesbian literature professors into making some kind of a statement. Doing something Fido said might have been "regression analysis," the math whiz projected the lifetime earnings of the huge penised men to be four standard deviations below "your typical 5.4 incher, not counting foreskin," which she went on to call "anti-semitic" and "superfluous."

Fido and Freed plan on doing a follow up study to determine if cocks invisible to the naked eye correlate with genius level IQ's.

"If my brother who knew his timetables before he was two is any guide, they do," said Fido.

Fido's brother, a 15 year old PhD candidate in Economics at MIT, was not available for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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