JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - Hulk Hogan and Jesse Ventura are actually women and are not men at all, and both came kicking and screaming into this world with feminine genitals, a NASA senior medical doctor discovered late last week.
NASA, which does intensive medical physical examinations on all recruits of its "Send an Old Man to Outer Space Riding on a Drone" serendipitously came upon this shocking evidence last Thursday at Cape Canaveral Woolly Mammoth and Striped-with-Boat-Propeller-Blades Manatee Oh Where In the Hell Art Though Manatee Medical Center in Jacksonville, Fla.
"Jesse and Hulk took their physicals together. They were as giddy as a couple of teenage girls. Oh gosh darn, sell the farm, it was so, so so sniveling. Not to say revolting," said Dr. Fenswaithe Thaddeus Thistlepimple, NASA Senior M.D., with a snobbish and sickening nasal twang.
"Yes, they certainly looked like tough guys. Holding hands, shivering with fear, crying, whimpering, and acting every bit like spotted hyena cubs - hardly tough-guy ex-professional wrestlers," the good doctor reported.
"What a pair. Jesse had to be sedated just to go through with the physical exam. And no, he's not a man at all. He's as much a woman as Sarah Palin, Barbara Bush, Oprah Winfrey, Stephen Colbert, or Hillary Clinton. And he's been a four-star fraud, posing as a man, for far, far too long now," Dr. Thistlepimple said.
"I was so mad about this finding," the good doctor continued. "I even called the Jacksonville Sheriff's office and asked them to arrest this charlatan - this Jesse Ventura woman - and charge her with a felony of posing as a man, but the officers there informed me that there is no such criminal violation.
"They told me that half of the people in Jacksonville city government and most of the editorial staff of the northeastern Sunshine State newspaper, the Florida Times Union, would go down for such an offense," Dr. Thistlepimple said.
The "Send an Old Man to Outer Space Riding on a Drone" program was initiated earlier this year as a way to make much-needed funds available for NASA, which was only allocated a measly $328 under the federal budget for 2014. And the program was launched, also, so as to utilize all the left-over and idled military drones that have fallen into disuse due to the current slowdown of the desert wars the USA is involved in, completely by happenstance and because of Republican rhetoric and reason.
It costs $250,000 to take a drone to Mars, $750.000 to take a drone to Uranus, and a walloping $2 million to take a drone into the Kuiper Belt. If you opt to go on any of the cosmic journeys past Mars, suffice it to say you're not coming back home to sweet old Mother Earth, though, according to a glossy advertisement package sent out to eccentric rich Republicans. The manual is being marketed by cash-strapped NASA and the "Send the Old Man to Outer Space Riding on a Drone" project is being orchestrated with all the urgency, veracity, and ferociousness of a Ponzi scheme. If the program doesn't fly, neither will any of NASA's future spacecrafts.
There is a $100,000 deal to venture to Venus and a $150,000 package to hop a drone to Mercury. But expect the trip to get hot, hot, hot, NASA's colorful and intriguing marketing manual states.
"We expect quite a turnout for this and let's just say, we'll be ridding the planet of some of the most obnoxious, filthy rich, parasitical creatures who have ever walked around on Mother Earth. Each one of these sniveling weasels that we've signed up so far has made a huge carbon footprint on Mother Earth," said NASA Marketing Agent Tom T. Tijon.
According to Tijon, Hogan and Ventura plan to go on the buddy plan to the Kuiper Belt. Sharing a drone together cost them $3 million overall, rather than the mandatory $2 million charge for an individual opting to blast off to the Kuiper Belt.
"They're both set to blast off on their drone, a left-over war relic from the war with Afghanistan, next Friday. All we can say at NASA is have fun, you two phony fellas, and good riddance to bad garbage," Tijon said with an arrogant laugh.
"Their family and friends were very happy they wanted to do this. It was a big check-off on each of their bucket lists and members of both of these respective families unanimously agreed they will be happy to be rid of these posers, these hideous imposters," the NASA PR official added.
"They really wanted to do this together - Jesse and Hulk - since they're such good buddies and they liked the idea of circling around in outer space together, gawking at idle comets and useless and derelict space debris," Tijon said.
Comets rest in the Kuiper Belt for a few decades, centuries, or even millenniums before taking that big-splash plunge straight at the sun, and during this trip they grow tails and become cosmic spectacles.
According to a cryptic media release concerning NASA's discovery that both Ventura and Hogan are actually women, and not men at all, NASA's head psychological team released these acerbic comments: "WE AT NASA FEEL THAT BOTH JESSE VENTURA AND HULK HOGAN HAD TO PROVE THEIR MASCULINITY BY BECOMING BIG, BRAWLING, HE-MAN WRESTLERS. THEY ARE BOTH A DISGRACE TO WOMANHOOD AND A SLAP IN THE FACE TO FEMALES EVERYWHERE. WHY WERE THEY NOT CONTENT WITH CARRYING PURSES AROUND, MARRYING MEN, SHOPPING FOR CLOTHING WITH BFFs AND DOTING OVER THEIR GRANDCHILDREN? NASA FINDS THIS BOTH HORRIFYING AND PUZZLING. IT'S OBVIOUS THAT BOTH VENTURA AND HOGAN ARE THE WORST KINDS OF SOCIOPATHIC PSCYCHOPATHIC FRAUDS. OVER & OUT, NASA.