Written by CaptainSausage
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Topics: Movies, moon, Titanic, Iceberg

Monday, 23 June 2014

image for Titanic iceberg discovered
Titan: The fuel-covered moon of alternative film death

An iceberg has been spotted which can truly be described as "Titanic". Not because it has any connection to the famously unsinkable ship, but because it was seen on the moon Titan.

Titan is a moon of Saturn, and it has an atmosphere and oceans rather like Earth. But unlike Earth, the oceans of Titan are liquid methane. However, its icebergs are still made of ice, and would be a threat to any ocean-going vessels on the distant body.

Astronomers have been getting excited about the find because apparently they haven't seen an iceberg on Titan before. Aroused boffins have been frantically making press releases about the supposedly impressive discovery.

I asked scientist and professional nerd Telly Scope what everyone really wanted to know. What would happen if the film Titanic had actually been set on the moon Titan.

"Well," said Scope. "Let's ignore for a minute that everyone would freeze to death and be asphyxiated in seconds due to the incredible cold and the complete lack of oxygen. Let's also assume that the ship's engines would still be functional."

"I think in that case the most likely scenario is that the ship, having a coal-powered steam engine, would quickly set the methane oceans on fire. As it was launched, it would create a phenomenal inferno which would completely engulf the ship and everything on board. I have no doubt that Leonardo DiCaprio would be incinerated in seconds and the ship would sink before it even left the harbour."

And what a marvellous film that would make.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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