Written by Cat Alan
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Topics: Science, Diet

Saturday, 22 November 2003

image for New Apple Diet Hits the Masses
An Apple a Day

Dr. Fartsalot's latest article for Edible Science Magazine hit the apple industry with a bang Thursday. People flooded the markets and spent unprecedented billions on apples.
Orchard grower, Fred Appleton, said, "I don't know if we can meet this demand. The trees only grow so much fruit."

As rioters banged on the gates, orchard worker Antonio Moran said, "We've resorted to carrying handguns. When people smell the apples we've been picking, they get violent!"

He held up his arm to show a large scratch. "Just this morning, while I was on break, a lady sicked her cat on me. While I fended off the beast, she grabbed my basket and ran!"

What's all the fuss? We've always known that one apple a day keeps the doctor away. But did you know that an all apple diet helps you lose weight, stay regular, and maintain fresh breath? Without all those carbs and proteins in the way, the apple fiber remains unhindered as it moistens your mouth, fills the stomach, then cleanses your bowels on the way out.

Skeptics insist that Dr. Fartsalot is secretly working for the science community as an apple engineer. They claim people are being duped into eating apples that have been specially modified to create an electorate that can be easily controlled by the government through specially implanted chips.

Dr. Fartsalot answered, "It is beneath me to dignify such a claim."

Meanwhile, the tasty fruit is enjoying heightened worldwide popularity.

For those who aren't sure they can live without variety, apple growers are marketing their entire lines. Pocked dusky reds aren't just for baking anymore.

I don't agree with the engineering claims, but...wait...it's snack time. Must...have...apple...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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