New York -- A major study published in JAMMIES (Journal of American Medical Malpractice in Emergency Situations) has shown that 5 million lives could be saved each year if the specialists called in could tear themselves away from the TV in time to give life-saving help.
Dr. Margie Lanhanahan, spokesperson for JAMMIES had this to say: "We know that physicians with extra skills, popularly called specialists, will turn their beepers off, pretending that the page [the electronic kind -- get your mind OFF Foley for once] was never received -- something like half the time they are on call.
"It is quite difficult to get any accurate statistics on this, mind you. But at least they can no longer ignore pages [see above] because all that data is retrievable by [clever] defense attorneys, so now turning them off is the ploy du jour. This is bad.
"But the underlying problem seems to be that cable and satellite TV is so engaging with many riveting programs, jam packed schedules, terrific docs, and sports up the wazoo that MDs fall prey to it.
"But, um, the worst part is all the porn. Even the soft stuff is hard-charging, and it is EVerywhere. Of course, the slouching around the house in a [half-open] robe and beer-drinking that this TV addiction induces only adds to the problem. Co-morbid, really."
Lanhanahan further explained that even when the MD does answer the pager (There, isn't that better?), it takes them "forever" to get to the hospital. This is particularly distressing when we know that heart attack victims can avoid serious damage if the specialist arrives within 20 minutes.
"We want MDs to respond more quickly, sure," said Lanhanahan, "but get real! It takes me 20 minutes to get my pantyhose on! And my husband, a cardiac surgeon, MUST have at least that long to remove his shoe trees and buzz out his nose hair. GAWD!"
While Lanhanahan wouldn't "go there," a small sample of male MDs I interviewed (anonymously, of course, to avoid becoming a named defendant) pointed out that it is a very modern problem. They all agreed that the feminists are to blame.
Said one MD, "Now that half the MD population is female, thanks to the femi-Nazis, and many nurses are male, the incentive for the [former] all-male club members to come to the hospital has vastly diminished.
"These days there are just too few busty blondes stuffed in white uniforms with short-short skirts, bending over a lot, to induce the male half to get it up and out the door."