Written by Abel Rodriguez

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Friday, 4 April 2014

image for A College Report States That The American Middle Class Is Shrinking
A recent photo taken of Windy City Community College in Chicago.

CHICAGO - Recent studies which were conducted at Chicago's Windy City Community College have revealed that the American middle class is shrinking.

Dr. Uriah H. Tillerwell, who has a Masters Degree in Statistical Stats and a Ph.D. in Crop Rotation, said that 20 years ago the average American male member of the middle class stood 5-foot-10-inches tall and the average American female member stood 5-foot-5-inches tall.

Modern day studies show that now the average height for a male is 5-foot-9-inches tall and for a female it's 5-foot-4 inches tall.

Dr. Tillerwell stated that one theory is that the shrinkage is due to drinking bottled water. When asked how that would affect someone's height he stated that everything affects everything in one way or another.

He then went on to say that a study that has yet to be released to the general public will prove that smoking two packs of cigarettes a day will lower a smoker's IQ by an average of 17.2 points.

In Other News. Barbara Walters was recently asked if she plans to retire from The View anytime soon. The 84-year-old smiled and said that she is planning on retiring when she turns 95, but hinted that it could change when she hits 94.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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