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Wednesday, 26 February 2014

image for Latest Results in Global Math & Science Scores Shows US Students at Bottom of Heap

Brussels - The Worldwide Technical Assessment Institute (WTAI) announced today the latest results in international testing of high school students on general knowledge of math and science.

As expected, the highest scores came from China, South Korea, and Japan. In the middle range were those recorded in the emerging democracies of Eastern Europe. Weighing at the bottom of the heap were United States' high school students, whose comprehensive scores were worse than all Chimpanzees, the French, Brazilians, Zoo-based Pandas, world-wide squirrels, and laboratory rodents.

Asked about the WTAI results, a random sample of US high school students commented as follows:

Biff Bonghead of Boulder, CO: "Hey, dude, yuh don't need maths to do weed! Get real!"

Sarah Slitskirteen of Van Nuys, CA: "Like, I mean, like I don't do science, er that stuff, but like, I'm into hands-on biology with Chad. It's so epic!"

Tony LaZitti of Upper Calderone, NJ: "Galileo?... Galileo? Oh yeah! He's the session guitar guy for Springsteen! The Boss, man!"

When Chimps at the San Diego Zoo were queried about the overall results, they offered demurrals and quickly returned to assembling drones which they had recently ordered from Amazon. A representative of Lab rodents spoke up, saying "At least we can find our way through mazes." The French had no comments at all. They just shrugged and returned to congregating in pissoirs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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