WASHINGTON, D.C. - At a news conference earlier this week, Dr. Spencer Wells, the National Geographic Explorer-in-Residence, announced more surprising results from the Genoproject's Multiyear research.
According to Wells, by using their "cutting-edge genetic and computational technologies to analyze historical patterns in DNA from participants around the world", the geneticists have determined that a Russian people group is genetically related to a Polynesian people group.
"How can that possibly be? " a reporter asked, "Russians are reserved, white-skinned, more sharp featured, intense people of the cold northlands, and well, Polynesians just aren't."
Wells replied, "We think this might be what happened: during an ancient Ice Age, a small group of ADHD Russian people, restless types anyway, got tired of experiencing the intense cold and lack of food, and decided to head south."
"As this migration traveled overland and sea for hundreds of thousands of years, the core group intermixed with other ADHD people along the way. A percentage of these newcomers, with genetics developed closer to the equator, had darker skin colors and were happier, more laid back people due to being born a warm climate," continued Dr. Wells.
The upshot of this Russian migration was the eventual settling and populating of the more than a thousand islands scattered across the enormous expanse of central and southern Pacific Ocean.
"Linguists who have been studying the Polynesian language for years are simply thrilled," states Dr. Wells, "because now the origin of several mysterious words that sounded a lot like 'borscht', 'nyet', 'babushka' and 'dos vedanya' have finally been explained! Also, the name Bora-Bora does sounds a bit like Boris, doesn't it?"
In response to the news, Russian and Polynesian genealogy clubs are eagerly planning a series of family reunions between the two cultures to be held this coming summer in both parts of the world. What's on the menu? A pig roast, of course, with all the trimmings, including beet stuffing an plenty of Vodka. Reports confirm that the activities will include Polynesian Fire Dancers as well as Russian jump style Cossack dancers.