Written by Crunk
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Monday, 10 February 2014

image for Nature Notes: new crater reported in Somerset
the Pickles impact zone as seen from space

Birds everywhere are reacting angrily to the ineptitude of humans after a bid to drain the Somerset Levels by dropping Eric Pickles from a great height failed dramatically, causing what many initially believed to be an 'extinction event'.

Fortunately many of our feathered brethren heeded warnings and evacuated the area as soon as the Environment Secretary's Final Solution was announced. Any creatures still in the vicinity as the swarm of Army Chinnooks took to the air, hefting the enormous bulk of Pickles aloft, stood little chance. What a sight must have greeted their eyes, however, as they looked to the heavens and saw their last eclipse. The humans tragically miscalculated the effects of lifting Pickles too high as they attempted to re-enact the Baumgartner space jump, raising him miles above the earth before God and Physics rebelled and sent him plummeting to earth.

Several dinosaurs at Westminster were reported extinct after being immolated in the fireball generated when Pickles went incandescent with rage. The loud report "I am not FAT!" detonated with sufficient force to rip the feathers off several flocks of migratory birds that did not evacuate fast enough, and confused colonies of bats around the globe.

After the Pickles Impact, the ensuing tsunami cleared the Somerset Levels and took many ground-nesting birds in southern France by surprise. The shockwave caused a wind so great as to bring down trees across the United Kingdom, and give far too much air time to tedious local weather reporters who already considered themselves minor celebrities.

Meanwhile, it has just started raining again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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