Written by Gail Farrelly
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Topics: Health

Thursday, 2 November 2006

image for Gluttons Monopolize World Supply of Red Wine and Red Grapes
Bearers of Good News for Gluttons

It all started with a recent research study showing that a chemical called resveratrol, which is contained in red wine and red grapes, can offset some of the effects of gluttony. Researchers say that the glutton who ingests resveratrol will still be obese but will have lower glucose levels, a healthier liver, and an improved heart.

There have been reports that gluttons immediately rushed to fruit stands and wine stores the world over, grabbing up all the red wine and red grapes available for sale. As one glutton explains it, "Hey, it's sort of like having your cake and eating it too. You eat as much as you want but don't suffer the bad effects. How cool is that?"

In some cases, things got ugly. Since gluttons are, in general, larger than the general population, non-gluttons were not up to the competition when fighting for the dwindling supply of the life-boosting products. In more than one location, a glutton swatted a non-glutton or two (or three) in order to get "the spoils."

A scholarly glutton has taken a different approach. She's been studying the New Testament, reading over and over again the story of the first miracle of Jesus, turning water into wine at a wedding. The scholarly glutton has told friends, "Listen, if a miracle happened once, why not twice or many times?" She's been spotted praying over huge vats of water.

Some gluttons have not been deterred by empty shelves in wine and produce stores. They've simply moved further back on the supply chain, hijacking unsuspecting truck drivers attempting to deliver red wine and red grapes to the market.

A late report, yet to be verified, has gluttons traveling to vineyards, removing their shoes and socks, and literally jumping right into the process of crushing grapes with their very large feet. Stay tuned. Several gluttonous Spoof reporters have ecstatically accepted assignment to the "Red Wine" beat. Hey, it's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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