Washington, D.C. - In a groundbreaking study involving the National Institute of Health, some women are hearing unexpected results. A study financed by the National Organization for Marriage, with no bias at all, shows that women scientists would actually be better off staying home and raising babies.
"It has to do with the oxytocin," said one woman scientist. "Our children just can't survive as well away from their mothers more than two hours in a day."
This includes preschool education programs such as "Mommy's Morning Out," specifies the research study.
"Ideally, children should be birthed within 18 months of each other, and the mother should stay home with them until they are at least of public school age," our woman scientist tells us. "We used to be concerned about overpopulation, but now it appears that the real threat is strong, independent women."
Some would say this study has been long in coming. Conservatives everywhere agree that the woman's place is in the kitchen, and that when women admit to having opinions or thoughts, it harms husbands and children.
"Obviously, we funded this study," said Jim Bob Jordan, spokesperson for the National Organization for Marriage. "We had a specific result in mind, and we asked the scientists to continue testing the results until we got what we wanted. However, I do not believe that there was a bias. Honestly, I wish we could have had male scientists run the study, but women scientists would allow us to pay them off at a lower price."
Faced with undeniable scientific proof, women are expected to quit their jobs in droves and return home, freeing up many jobs for husbands and ultimately, fixing the economy.