As shocking as it sounds, multiple studies have recently shown that stabbing yourself with a bread knife may actually increase the chances of severe injuries, and in some cases may even cause death, despite the widely-held belief that doing so actually helps combat conditions like Blindness and Dyslexia.
This controversial claim, made by a group of students at Hull University who conducted the most recent study, has caused major upset both in the political and the real world. One MP who wished to remain anonymous commented "For the past thirty years i have been stabbing my wife twice a day as my mother taught me and as far as i'm aware there have been no negative consequences whatsoever; in fact she seems to quite like it if i do say so myself. I even started stabbing my children when they came along and they haven't complained about it either". A member of the newly-formed charity group Stab Our Souls said "This is a load of nonsense and i think stabbing yourself with a bread knife should be as natural to any civilised person as saying 'thank you' for a birthday present or placing a handkerchief up to your nose before sneezing."
One study, aimed at assessing the benefits and possible side-effects of being stabbed through the heart, found that as many as 90% of the participants who stabbed themselves with a bread knife died because of related injuries. In fact, one of the leading scientists on that study, a Dr Hermon Meatcleaver said on Thursday that the only reason the other 10% hadn't died was because they were "too stupid to know which side of their body their heart was on". It was made clear however that these are the first studies ever to be conducted on this subject, and many more must be done in order for the findings to gain any kind of scientific legitimacy.
The National Health Service has released a statement reassuring people that the findings of these studies in no way changes their guidelines on the matter. They continue to recommend stabbing yourself with a bread knife at least twice a week, if not more, as part of a healthy lifestyle.