Written by plinth course
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Topics: Space, ISS

Monday, 30 October 2006

image for International Space Station Crew Chastised for 'Messing Around'
The clipboard message for Houston reads: "That drone better be loaded, man." Note some blurring from Vaseline residue.

Miles High -- Today, the three-man crew of ISS was severely chastised for juvenile behavior, complete with threats by Houston to send "adults up there in about one minute."

Commander Jock Dearth, according to one Mission Control engineer (a really pissed off anonymous desk jockey), was overheard screaming into his headset: "If I have to come up there MYSELF to open that door, mister, you'll be sorry." That expression, well-used by American dads (screamed at a painful 130 dB), seems to tag the American rocketeer as the listener.

Ever since the dust up over marijuana (see Doobage in Space), the ISS crew has been, well, rather cranky. They have enraged Houston numerous times in the last few weeks for such pranks as smearing Vaseline on camera lenses, engaging in food fights, playing Grateful Dead music to squelch radio transmissions, speaking Pig Latin to the Command Center and making bong references.

But Dearth had reached his limit, apparently, and began issuing warnings to the three when they refused to let an unmanned Russian supply ship fully dock, demanding that before docking could complete they should "give the password, dick wads".

Though there is some unknown measure of secrecy about the incident, we can patch together from audio chatter between Houston and ISS what seems to have occurred. And the source (that angry desk jockey, of course) also gave us a tiny glimpse of the exchange:

HOUSTON: Is there a problem up there?

ISS CREW: No problem, man. What's your gig?

HOUSTON: Open the door. The supply ship has docked, and now you need to...

ISS CREW: Supply, man? That better be code for you-know-what, Dude.

HOUSTON: Open the door.

ISS CREW: No way.


ISS CREW: Does it have the password, man? You know, P.A.S.S.W.O.R.D.

Here, the Command Center turned it over to Dearth for a series of threats and ultimata, such as, "This is the last time I'm gonna tell you" and "Grounding will be the least of your problems if I have to come up there," and so forth.

The crew eventually relented and opened the door when (source said) Dearth rather offhandedly mentioned that the ISS crew is NOT exempt from waterboarding "when you get down from there". The source didn't say, but we can all remember that our dads always added, "you little shit" to his threats; it is alleged Dearth barked this down the intercom.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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