CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - NASA, BP, Big Bob's Cheeseburgers, Jack Daniels, Coca-Cola, and Exxon have teamed up to send a sophisticated fracking operative to venture to Uranus. With any luck, the colossal spaceship holding fracking equipment and a full crew of frackers should arrive at the far reaches of our Solar System by spring equinox.
The gargantuan craft is set to blast off from Cape Canaveral at midnight next Sunday.
"Well the cat's out of the bag," said NASA Chief Extraction Czar Beatrice T. Kool. "We've been consulting for over a year now with aliens from outer space who've taken an interest in this endeavor and they helped build our spaceship. It's the size of seven Arrowhead Stadiums put end to end and I must say, it's quite a monster."
HORRIBLE WINDS? NO PROBLEM! With winds of this pool-blue planet blasting at more than 550 miles per hour on a calm day, it will be hazardous work for the crew of a dozen fracking specialists; but not to worry, the aliens from the Sombrero Galaxy that were consulted about the matter can really build the consummate extraterrestrial fracking mousetrap.
"The spacesuits the frackers will be wearing are ultra-lightweight, believe it or not," Kool said. "They're made of a material that is so sophisticated that it's invisible and bulletproof. It's extra-extra strong stuff shipped in from far past the Pleiades star cluster. I'd like to tell the media more about how it's made but it's super-duper top secret."
AN ICY MESS Uranus has miles of frozen ice as a surface, under its methane cloud. After descending through the gassy clouds that encompass the planet, the air gets heavier and heavier until it turns into slush, then at the surface of the planet, it becomes solid ice. The core of Uranus is made of bulkier, rocky, metal elements, and these goodies are what the frackers are interested in extracting.
"It's an icy mess, this planet," Kool said. "Compared to Jupiter and Saturn, Uranus has very little metallic hydrogen, and there is much more ice. We should have really chosen either Jupiter or Saturn for our fracking pursuits, but here at NASA we really like a good challenge."
"And of course, we at NASA also have a fondness for Uranus because it is the only planet that's named after a figure from Greek mythology rather than Roman mythology. Uranus is named after the Latinized version of the Greek god of the sky, Ouranos. NASA executives think this is really nifty. That's the real reason we chose this planet rather than the other gas giants," Kool said.
NASA COULDN'T RESIST "We couldn't resist. Uranus is really, really special," Kool said. "And let's just say that the crazy rings of this planet circle around from top to bottom, rather from around its side, like Saturn's rings circle. Suffice it to mention that the 13 distinct wings of this eccentric monster really attracted us. It was definitely a bonus in favor of Uranus, its weird ring system."
"I mean, those rings around Saturn, they're just so boring!" she yelled.
The seventh planet of our Solar System has at least 27 moons. The fracking crew will build cabins on one of the moons as a base in which to eat, sleep, and have rest and relaxation while not fracking the planet, Kool said.
"We don't know which moon we'll use as a home base for the crew," Kool said. "I guess we'll figure it out when we get out there. We'll definitely choose the moon that has the most hospitable atmosphere. We've told our guys not to expect any Cancun or Caribbean way out there. It's just not going to happen. Life on any of the moons will be pretty damned bleak, but these guys are really tough. They can handle it."
URANUS STILL A MYSTERY So far, little is known about what's under the frozen surface of Uranus and what chemical properties this strange blue leviathan holds is an enigma. What the fracking crew will be fracking for way out there is still speculative. But it's got to be good.
"We know they'll be digging up some really great stuff. I can't help but salivate just thinking about it all," Kool said.
It's impossible to breath on Uranus because of its thick methane atmosphere, but the ultra-light spacesuits have hoses connected to the frackers' noses. They'll all be breathing in pure oxygen, so they'll most likely live a lot longer than the average human stuck here on Planet Earth, Kool explained.
In time, other monster spaceships will be dispatched to the planet with the uniquely Greek name to bring back all the goodies to Mother Earth. Undoubtedly, a lot of chemical compounds will be in the mix for earthlings to gas up their machines with, fertilize their fields with, mix into their alcoholic beverages, and possibly, even derive foodstuffs from for fast food restaurants.
BIG BOB'S HAS BIG PLANS "Big Bob's Cheeseburgers is even in the midst of a multi-million dollar marketing campaign to unveil their "Uranus Burger," a six-pound burger made from stuff found in Uranus," she said.
"They'll be able to mix in all sorts of chemicals and gases to create this colossal burger. Think of how many cows that will be saved! It might throw the agricultural markets of the world into a bit of a tizzy, but hey, we won't need hay anymore and we can let those cows free to roam the fields and meadows," Kool said.
With other junk found in Uranus and with some innovative preservatives and flavorings from good ole' Ma Earth, chicken, lamb, turkey, pig, and pheasant burgers are in the planning stages at Big Bob's. The small fast-food chain is expecting a dramatic expansion with its vested interest in the big blue planet, Kool said.
ALIEN FRIENDS COVERED ALL THE BASES The aliens from the Sombrero galaxy have a special compound of chemicals to sail the ship. None of the elements are found on Earth and have been shipped in from deep space. This liquid fuel has the capability of thrusting the fracking spaceship at almost the speed of light, but not quite.
"Those big cargo carriers created a panic in Florida. They came in at night and that's why there have been so many UFO sightings around Florida this fall and winter," Kool explianed.
"There were 5,546 alien sightings on Nov. 2 alone," Kool said. "That's one of the biggest cargo days our alien friends brought in accelerants to fuel our ship. It's a long trip, the ship's very big, and let's just say a lot of fuel is going to be needed for this voyage."
A very large cargo transport spaceship was spotted off the coast of Jacksonville Nov. 2 and caused mass hysteria. Telephone transmission lines were so jammed up that an old lady's stodgy dial-up Internet connected computer set fire in the Avondale section of the city.
Police and fire departments in Jacksonville had their telephones ringing off the hook with a multitude of 911 calls. It was the only real event that occurred in the sleepy city since Ronnie Van Zandt created Lynyrd Skynyrd.
THE ALIENS ARE REALLY KOOL "They're really nice, these aliens. They're giving us so much knowledge and technology that it's unbelievable. I just hope they don't turn around and attack us or eat us. This no-strings-attached deal almost seems too good to be true," Kool confides.
"I'm not expecting any extraterrestrial Christmas cards from these aliens, but you never know. They have denoted through their messages to us that they really like the trees and houses lit up all over the place. They're intrigued. We explained a little about the magic of the season, but I don't think they quite understood about a baby being born in Bethlehem. They did say they remembered a Super Duper Nova that exploded that particular day, though," Kool mentioned.
"So far, it's been a win-win situation. At least we made some really neat friends that know a heckuva lot of stuff about space and pioneering the cosmos," she said.
The giant spaceship has been named THE FIRST UFO FROM EARTH and its signage glows in the dark. Look up into the sky next Sunday and you'll probably be able to read its flashing green and red neon sign.