SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a recent study conducted at the University of San Francisco, researchers have determined that the consumption of human semen fights off diseases ranging from the common cold to cancer.
Ralph Patterson, a freshman at USF originally from Kansas City, Missouri, conducted his initial research on his first visit to the Castro district, while observing more than 20 homosexual and heterosexual men. "I just looked around, and all these gay guys looked real healthy. And then it hit me, eating semen must cure stuff." He continued, "I don't want people to think I have any prejudices 'cause I'm from Kansas City. I'm from Kansas City, Missouri, we're open minded, unlike those dicks from Kansas City, Kansas."
But as his research further developed, Mr. Patterson was faced the next great questions, how much semen consumption makes a person "homosexual". Stage 2 of his research hopes to tackle that great question. "I can understand eating semen to cure cancer. I think anyone would do that to survive. But eating cum because you got a sniffle, that seems a little gay."
No other institution is currently conducting similar research. Scientist from both UC, Berkley and USC refused to comment on Mr. Patterson's work, calling him "childish" and "really observant [sarcastically]".
The FDA has recently given Mr. Patterson a $5 Billion dollar grant to continue his research as his study moves from general observation to actual human trials.