Written by Matt Lettieri
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Tuesday, 29 October 2013

image for Over-Eating Could Lead to Obesity, Study Shows

PHILADELPHIA--A recent study shows that over-eating may be one of the leading causes of obesity in Americans age 9-72.

The Foundation for American Thickness Today and Yesterday (FATTY) issued the report last week, detailing the findings of their year-long investigation into the causes of increasing American obesity. FATTY President Hugh Jass says a response to this new revelation could change the face of fatness in America, literally.

"With this new information, America could finally begin to shed it's reputation as the world's most obese country, and that, of course, wouldn't be the only thing we'd be shedding," said Jass, who also emcees the comedy open-mic night at the local fire hall.

The study shows that the quantity of food eaten contributes greatly to the amount of weight gained. But perhaps the most shocking aspect of the study is the conclusion that the quality of the food also plays a large role. Foods like French fries, pizza, fried chicken, Oreos, and fried Oreos seem to contribute more heavily to cases of obesity than do foods like granola, tofu, and an assortment of fruits and vegetables.

"This is really groundbreaking research," proclaimed Jass, "but not as groundbreaking as when Americans jump up and down."

A large portion of the study also focuses on American culture and the ways in which it affects our eating habits. American obesity taken as a whole may be directly tied to our way of life, but the verdict is still out.

"We only have one holiday - Thanksgiving, of course - which is exclusively structured around gorging ourselves," says Health Specialist Les Rump. "Unless, of course, you count the chocolate and candy on Valentine's Day, and the all the candy on Halloween, and cookouts on Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day, and drinking on St. Patrick's Day, and drinking on New Year's Eve. But that still leaves the whole month of April, unless you have a birthday and then of course you have to eat a lot of cake . . . at least we're pretty healthy in June, unless you graduate or get married because then you'll probably drink a lot and eat a lot. But besides that we're not a country that focuses much on food or drink at all."

Jass is careful to point out that genetic and hereditary factors also play a large part in obesity.

"If you can't fit into your jeans, it could be because of your genes," he said.

FATTY plans to respond to the findings of this study by launching a nationwide campaign to end obesity. The campaign will revolve around what Jass calls GAS - Geographical Aspiration Statements.

"We want Massachusetts to lose its mass," said Jass, citing an example of GAS. "We want Mississippi to say goodbye to Mrs. Butterworth. We want Atlanta to stop reaching for Mylanta. We want to make Portland less portly. We want Milwaukee to actually be able to walk. We want the Garden State to start eating garden salads. We want the Sooner State to end its meals sooner. We want the Panhandle State to lose its love handle state . . . I can keep going if you want."

Nobody wanted FATTY's Hugh Jass to keep releasing GAS.

A final conclusion of the study is that a lack of exercise may also contribute to a state of obesity. This theory is increasingly carrying more weight but FATTY needs more time to sit back and evaluate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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