Coxville, IN - A seminal paper published by a trio of post-doctoral researchers at the Johnson Institute points to a strong correlation between twerking and jerking.
Behavioral psychologists Peter Smallwood, Rod Wang, and Jack Hiscock agreed to meet with astute Spoof reporter Vlad Paylaw in a local stand-up bar to discuss their methods and findings.
Smallwood explained that data were obtained by electronically monitoring the activities of males aged fourteen to sixteen during and immediately after the recent airing of Smiley Virus' infamous "twerking" video on national TV.
"Homeland Security conducts this kind of surveillance all the time, and they're only too happy to share their footage with bonerfied--I mean bona fide--researchers."
Wang went on to explain that the vast majority of subjects retreated to a private place during or immediately after the video to engage in some vigorous self-stimulation.
"We found the jerk/twerk coefficient to be about .94 in most areas. However, in Bible Belt states, it ranged as high as .98. This higher figure probably indicates that large numbers of gay and questioning teens in these states are desperately trying to "act normal", even to the point of pretending that this kind of schlock actually turns them on."
When asked if any women were involved in their study Hiscock stood erect and ejaculated: "No!"
Smallwood smiled sheepishly, and elaborated: "All three of us are kind of shy with girls. I mean, there's this hot little cutie doing her PhD in mass media studies, but not one of us had the balls to ask her to join our group."