Stockholm, Sweden - (Associated Mess): This year's Nobel astrophysics prize has been awarded to Creationist scientists from Kansas, Missouri whose contention of the non-existence of gravity as an empirical force to be reckoned with has earned them the year's top scientific gong.
The newly publicised theory has the full backing of the Creationist Institue which has always maintained the possibility that the black hole that appears as the night sky is all that really exists apart from the sun and moon and the visible droplets of rain that people often assume must be celestial bodies such as planets and stars.
But proving this has been immensely difficult because of the heaps of money to be made by saying that intelligent design is a rival costruct more popular with God-fearing wing-nut voters who are prepared to invest in their own brand of cosmic nonsense.
The central core of this year's winning theorem is unequivocal: 'Gravity is a myth, the earth sucks'. And proving it is a doddle because no one has ever seen gravity, photographed or filmed it, tasted or heard it. Ergo, it doesn't exist.
Old fashioned ideas such as Newton's Lore were merely the result of addled eighteenth century thinking brought on by the imbibing of too much laudanum. And therefore useless as proof.
Today's really smart money is on the concept of the living, breathing, sucking Gaia which regularly draws in its breath to keep us homosapiens firmly in our place. IE. on the ground, and not cavorting about in the black-hole region laughably described by some as the upper stratosphere where the fiction of the construction of an International Space Station is being promoted.
This year's controversial prize winners - who have asked to remain anonymous until the Nobel cash prize worth $$$$$$$$$$s is stashed safely in their offshore deposit accounts in the British Virgin Islands - admit that their revolutionary ideas may come as a shock to all bar some enlightened enthusiasts of the non-moon landings of 1969 conspiracy theory.
This includes secret findings of the National Black Hole Agency which has asserted that televised footage of the so-called space shuttle programme is merely a holographically-generated animated image designed to fool US taxpayers into thinking their hard earned cash is being spent on scientific research of the cosmos.
Of course, it isn't. And never has been.
All the dosh has been fed into mind-altering substances that have adulterated common immunization jabs given during childhood which have duped the young into a chemically-induced trances where reality is suspended.....and the world of scientific progress reigns supreme.
This and other findings of this year's astrophysics winners are to be explained in a forthcoming feature-length documentary on the Cover-Up Channel which has secured exclusive rights to coverage of the winning theory.
Coming to your homes via cable link any day now...