Written by Max Field
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Friday, 6 September 2013

image for Candy Crush woman has Easter in September
Clueless thanks to candy

The Easter bunnies are hopping already for a Northumberland woman, while for the rest of us, the Autumn leaves are only just starting to twirl their way to the ground.

Edna Ballcock, 97, of Holy Island, has been having problems with her timing ever since she discovered she could achieve unlimited lives on Candy Crush Saga by changing the time and date on her iPad, fooling the app into thinking it was time to replenish her quota.

Unfortunately, this also throws all her calendar reminders forward somewhat, meaning she had her Christmas tree up in early June, and celebrated her 88th wedding anniversary 6 months early in August.

'I've always loved Candy Crush ever since I started playing it,' confesses Edna, with glazed doe-eyes. 'But ever since my grandson's girlfriend showed me the date and time cheat I've been absolutely fucked when it comes to getting anything done at the right time,' she says, now with a slight air of disgruntlement.

Mrs Ballcock, who lives with 111-year old hubby Ivor (who is fourteen levels ahead of her thanks to a new pair of glasses), has taken Apple devices under her wing since one of her great great grandchildren bought her the iPad for her 95th birthday two years ago. She now uses it for everything, from ordering her prescriptions (which involved deleting some photos to make memory space), to Skyping her two dogs, who now live with her great nephew in Llanelli, due to her lack of time to walk them because of the Candy Crush addiction.

'I'm getting earlier and earlier for everything,' Edna tells us, 'but I've stopped changing the time, I just change the date now. Changing the time is a twatting nightmare on this island, the causeway floods at high tide and I've lost count of how many times I've driven the Harley into the fucking North Sea thanks to buggering around with the time settings.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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