Written by Joe Leff
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Topics: Scientists

Sunday, 1 September 2013

The elusive algebraic formula for a miserable life has at last been determined by a group of really fed-up researchers.

The 'Feeling Crap Formula' (FCF) combines the most significant factors that make us sad, so that we can incorporate them into our daily routines if we want to spend our lives in misery.

Working at the Institute of Doom and Gloom, in downtown Gateshead, researchers led by Dr Ima Misrubbelgit, spent 16 years testing out the formula before concluding with resounding exasperation: "That'll have to do. We're bloody well fed up and stressed out."

The mathematical formula for sadness is:
(Cx365)+(IDGx26)+(Fx52)+(Sx0)+(Px12)+(Wx200)+(Ax12)+(LTFx1)
So, there you are.
But what does it all mean? Well, it's fairly straightforward.

Have a good cry (C) every day (Cx365).
Visit the Institute of Doom and Gloom (IDG) every two weeks (IDGx26)
Go to funerals (F) every week (Fx52)
Try not to smile (S) at all (Sx0)
Make sure you run out of petrol (P) at least once a month (Px12)
Get someone to show you at least 200 of their wedding (W) photos (Wx200)
Buy a large rear-view mirror and look at your arse (A) every month (Ax12)
Forget what the last term in this formula is (LTFx1)

Now doesn't all that make you feel sad? If not, you're probably enjoying life in your own happy way by avoiding complex mathematical formulae - and having a chuckle at those sad, mad scientists who spend their days grappling with them.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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