Written by IainB
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Saturday, 10 August 2013

image for People weigh less in Blackpool after Fracking test
Lower gravity, or has the SUN made the tower bigger?

The Iconic Blackpool Tower, the symbol of release for the Working Man, is two inches taller today after a Fracking experiment just outside Blackpool.

"We think that some of the gravity in Blackpool has leaked out," said Guy Gordon, an anti-fracking campaigner. "As the pipes went down into the earth, it let a little bit of Gravity escape, which has allowed the tower to grow by a whole two inches."

Calculations by Carl, the calculating pig of Crosby, show that gravity would have to have dropped by three point seven percent in order for the tower to grow two inches. This would mean that anybody in Blackpool would weigh three point seven percent less than they would outside of Blackpool.

This news has been greeted with glee from the Over-Forties, a group of very fat people who have to weigh over forty stone.

"We're having our next meeting in Blackpool," said Chubby Larson, event organiser for the Over-Forties. "Not only will we all instantly weigh less, but they also serve chips!"

Alan Capoan, mayor of Blackpool, was dismayed to hear that more fat people were coming to Blackpool. "I hope that this is not true," he said. "We already have eighty-two percent of the countries fat people."

Fortunately for Capoan, it is highly likely that the increase in height of the tower has not been caused by a loss of gravity in the area.

"Gravity can't leak out," said professor Brian Cox, the brainy one off the telly. "It's part of the Earth. It'd be amazing if it could though. Just think of it."

According to Cox, it is far more likely that Blackpool Tower has increased in size by two inches due to the unseasonally warm weather Blackpool has been having.

"When metal warms up, it expands," Cox explained, speaking so slowly he could only be understood when he was recorded and had it played back at sixteen times normal speed. "It's normally freezing in Blackpool, but because it's been sunny for more than two days on the trot, the tower expanded. Amazing."

"That sounds preposterous," said Guy Gordon. "Which is more likely, gravity leaking out of a big hole, or the sun making the tower bigger? I know what I think!"

[Editors note: he's probably thinking "I wonder what grass tastes like"]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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