Written by Danielle M.
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Tuesday, 30 July 2013

image for Local Trucker Breaks Space-Time Continuum

Tom Johnson, a truck driver from Smelling, WI, was given a particularly rough quota from his boss last week. He was supposed to pick up a load in Augusta, Maine, and deliver it to San Francisco. Once in San Francisco, he was supposed to take another load and drop it off in Atlanta, GA. Despite the fact that this is an 83-hour drive non-stop, and without hitting traffic, Johnson was supposed to be able to make the trip in 80 hours, when he had another assignment.

Panicking, Johnson loaded up on AllDaCaffeine to meet his boss's unrealistic expectations. Since he didn't have an electronic driver log, he was forced to fake his written log to keep driving. It also didn't help that he was slightly strapped for cash and felt like he needed the extra income.

Faced with impossible circumstances and a ton of extra energy, Johnson began driving. While on the road, he continued to guzzle the caffeinated shots by the dozens. At some point, Johnson admits there might've been an accident.

"About halfway to Maine, I was drinking some AllDaCaffeine and fueling the truck. I splashed a little of the substance into the gas tank, I guess. From there, everything's a blur."

Witnesses reported seeing Johnson's truck pull out of the station at a normal speed, but drivers on the interstate saw something else, entirely.

"It about scared me to death!" said driver Minnie Hawkins, age 83. "His truck pulled into the left lane, and then it just sort of broke the sound barrier and disappeared."

Scientists are still working on exactly how the phenomena occurred, but many think that Johnson's vehicle was able to bend the space-time continuum and create its own wormhole, of sorts.

Hawkins reported her story to the local authorities, but, without his license plate number, they weren't able to locate the truck. Once they found out the whole story, Columbus Police Chief Zach Alan said that there was little they could (or would) do about the situation.

"Technically, by the time Mr. Johnson's vehicle reached speeds over that of the 70 mph speed limit, he wasn't on the road anymore," Alan said. "Wormholes are definitely out of our jurisdiction, and I don't think we even want to approach that situation yet. Once we know more about the danger levels involved with breaking the natural laws of time and space, we'll be able to say more on the subject and its legality."

When Johnson realized what had happened and arrived safely in Maine, he splashed a little more of the drink into the gas tank. It wasn't quite enough to get him all the way to San Francisco, but he was able to perfect the space-time continuum formula in time to make it to Georgia and back home again.

Johnson's reaction to the event is what he says most truckers would feel.

"I'm just happy to have been able to do my job and make it home to my wife and kids," he said.

He's hopeful that scientists can study the phenomena and recreate it for other truckers, so they, too, can make it home in time for dinner.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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