WASHINGTON, D.C. At a press conference yesterday,astronomer Dr. Stella Nightley (Ph.D, THC, LSD) announced that her team had discovered a new planet forty light-years from Earth. Thanks to the unprecedented power of the revolutionary new telescope at her team's disposal, she was able to conclude that not only was this planet, tentatively named Corolla Impala Pacifica (C.I.P.), inhabited, it was home to a truly bizarre civilization.
"Just how bizarre is it?" , asked President Barragh O'Bama from the audience. "I mean, that's such a relative term. Are these people--if indeed it's correct to refer to them as 'people'--as weird as my homeys on 'Duck Dynasty' or what?"
Dr. Nightley replied that the aliens under study were indeed remarkably human in appearance, but that electronic interception of their communications had revealed something utterly strange about their behaviour:
"They seem to genuinely enjoy receiving calls from telemarketers." As a hush fell over the room, she added, "Some of these freaks have actually been observed to buy goods and services offered by these same telemarketers."
After a long silence, Narcissus Innocenti, CEO of Eleventh Plague Marketing Services, asked if it would be possible to link the Earth's telephone network to that of the new planet.
NASA chair Astro Blasta (Ph.D, C2H5OH)countered that such a telephone link could only operate at the speed of light, leading to lengthy delays. "Imagine having to wait eighty years for an answer to every question you asked. It could take centuries to complete a sale." He then advanced a proposal to build a giant spaceship to send all of our planet's telemarketers to C.I.P.
"One way?" asked President O'Bama.
"Of course," replied Blasta.
"I'll fast-track your funding request through Congress," said the President.
At the close of the conference, Dr. Nightley offered to show her telescope to the dignitaries in attendance. Former president Wilhelm Klingtone, through the use of explicit hand gestures, indicated that he was much more interested in conducting a thorough examination of Nightley's "binoculars".
As of press time, Klingtone is in hospital awaiting facial reconstruction surgery while Nightley is awaiting a preliminary hearing on charges of aggravated assault.