Written by IainB
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Sunday, 2 June 2013

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Apple have gone back to basics with their latest offering in the iPhone stable.

"We've redesigned the whole phone," said Anne Summers, head of research and development. "We went to the people and asked them what they wanted."

In hindsight, the focus group should not have gone to a kindergarten to perform their survey.

"One of the most frequently suggested suggestions," said Summers, "was to make the phone look like a pink unicorn. Another common one was to make it invisible, or give it super powers."

None of these suggestions proved to be practical, with the designers at Apple left scratching their heads over how to build in a horn.

"We did make it work only with virgins," said Summers, "but with our launch to be in Alabama, we wouldn't be able to find any."

It took the focus groups a while to sift through the various suggestions, but Apple have finally settled on the only phone to have been designed by the people who will use the phone.

"Previous iPhones have been easily damaged," said Summers, "so the new phone is virtually indestructible, you can even use them as a hammer. Previous phones were very desirable and stolen, so all new iPhones will come with an anti-theft device that renders them unwanted by thieves."

Additionally, to be more friendly to the partially sited the buttons for dialling will be big and colourful. There is a separate handset to help with talking, that is attached by a wire, and finally, the whole phone has been simplified.

"We've taken off the camera, the GPS, the texting and apps," said Summer. "The focus group said that they simply wanted it to make a woowoo noise when a big red button was pressed."

So it is farwell Samsung, HTC and Nokia, here comes the next generation iPhone, the most desirable yet. It has one feature none of the other phones have, it can be pulled along on a string, making ringing noises!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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